Goodbye 2016….Hello 2017

c5ad4eca6a7b625c3a94e42896095537The last 2 months have been busy…..we have a puppy!  He is gorgeous and everything that I wanted from getting him has proven to be the right decision we made in our little family.  He gives the three of us unconditional love and he is a massive help when the RugRats are not around.  It has only been since Christmas that he has been street legal as we have waited for his vaccinations, so the real fun is only just beginning.

I have to say, I have always been anxious around Christmas and New Year…..it always meant upset for me, with one thing or another over the last few years and fills me with trepidation even now.  I hope over the years this changes and I begin to be able to relax…..although when you are a single mum, it brings on a whole new level of anxiety……making sure you can afford the nice things for the RugRats at a special time and please family and friends along the way.

It is also a whole year and a bit that I am classed as officially divorced…..and tonight I find myself looking back on the last year again and wondering if I have done the best for my RugRats.  I only ever want to make sure they are happy and feel safe, first and foremost. I think I have done ok, but time will tell.  I have just waved them off tonight with their Dad; they are off to a party with him and his family.  They looked excited and happy to go….that makes me happy but I would be lying if I pretended I was ok.  I shut the door and an overwhelming sense of sadness came upon me like a sudden wave and from nowhere I found myself crying.  I will miss giving them a happy new year kiss tonight.

My night hasn’t really gone to plan and I am now descending on some friends as they didn’t like the thought of me being on my own.  I feel like a burden sometimes to some friends and that makes me feel uncomfortable.  New Year can be amazing for some people, but for me, I have always struggled with it and the whole awkwardness of midnight and that thing that you should be doing of kissing and hugging your loved ones.  Yes, as someone who finds herself single at 35 with 2 kids, that is awkward.

I think next year might be the year I plan to take the RugRats away so we can concentrate being on holiday rather than all the expectations New Years Eve brings…maybe that should be my plan for 2017!

So as I reflect on the year that has gone by, I realise that we are ok…..I still have a roof over our heads, we have our health and there are already some lovely things I have panned with and without the RugRats for 2017.  I have come to realise that I cannot rely on friends all the time, as they have their own lives and I need to build my own life and meet new people on my own terms as a single mum.  I am not going to make any resolutions, as I think I always reflect and look at what I need to do over the year.

So for now, I wave goodbye to 2016 and wish everyone a happy, healthy and lucky 2017 ahead.  Big shout out to all the single mums who are just trying to keep their shit together and still manage to smile.  I’m off to listen to Jools Holland on the telly and I cannot wait to get the RugRats back to start our 2017 adventures tomorrow.  Checking out for now.

xXxTTFNxXx

 

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Love yourself

debccc4a57faa485499e67dc78e646faI am on the heady decent of a good weekend spent with my RugRats and family, rocketing in to a working week that does not include the RugRats.  Half term is upon us and I have mopped up sick, done 50 loads of washing and put in full-time working hours and more, even before it started.

I feared that the weekend gone would be a wash out and I had planned a very exciting weekend at that.  I packed our things and crossed fingers for no more sick…..we went to London baby.  I can’t say it any other way; Austin Powers has a lot to answer.

We had such a busy weekend and it is true when they say “change is as good as a rest”. We trotted round London doing all the touristy things you do.  London Eye…..Shrek tour…..Tower Bridge……..The Monument…….we conquered all the steps and then littlest pronounced she needed “a weeeeeeeeeeeeee”, standard.  We conquered, we saw and I soaked up the look on the RugRats little faces as we ventured London together for their first trip.  Their little faces always make me smile.  I  adore them and I want to cling on to all their sweet innocence,  as these days it never seems to last that long.

We had a little break at Wahaca at the Embankment (highly recommended) and as we sat there with my cousin and her boyfriend, we were revelling in all that we had done that morning and we sat planning the night ahead where more family were joining us for dinner, back at the ranch.  I was asking if my other cousins girlfriend was coming and we got excited as this would be the first time we got to meet her.  The RugRats are very nosey you see and some 2 years they had waited to meet their Uncles girlfriend….so much excitement was displayed at this moment.  The boy suddenly went quiet and I asked him if he was ok as he said…..”oh no……..” and I asked him if he was okay and his response knocked me sideways….”well you’ll be the only one there with no one to love Mummy.”  A mix of emotions were felt in one split second and I had to give my head a little wobble and my response was, “of course Mummy does, I love all of you don’t I, and that makes us very lucky as we will be with people we love”……”But you don’t have a husband or a man to love though mummy”……..you see where I am going with this??  There we so many responses I could have to this and all of them would blow my 8 year olds mind, so for him I settled with “that doesn’t matter to me, I am not missing out at all, anyway, all that matters, is you’re with us, and we don’t need anything more”.  My cousin ensued in her amazing distraction technique and I had chance to make my quick recovery.

One simple little remark, one sentence, left me spinning and has had me thinking.  I really don’t want to be one of those mums that portrays the message that you can only be happy if you have a partner.  I am not going to launch into couple bashing, as for one, it is completely negative and it is not what I am about at all, but I have a heightened awareness that my RugRats should not grow up thinking you need a partner to make you happy.  I want them to grow up and be comfortable in their own skin and I want The Boy to know that he doesn’t have to be a knight in shining armour and go off and rescue his Damsel In Distress, and I want my beautiful daughter to be confident and not want to be saved by a man.  I want them to define themselves.

This leaves me in a quandary.  Did I give them this first impression when I allowed them to meet my first boyfriend since my divorce?  I fear I gave them that message.  At the time, I thought I was making the right decision, but I screwed up, but do I feel I screwed up as it ended as quickly as it started?

I know I am questioning myself and I think it is only natural as I need to make sense of it.  I was upset when the relationship ended, more so due to how it happened, but also upset with myself as I had seen it coming and ignored the voice in my head, that I had promised not to after the experience of being with my ex-husband.  To add salt to the wound, things quickly spiralled out of control when the relationship ended with this person and even though he ended it, he begged me to take him back and when he didn’t get the answer he was hoping for, he didn’t stop with the incessant pleas and I feared it would never end as it began to consume each day.  When I look back, I am cross at myself as I feel I wasn’t firmer in my approach.  I have analysed the shit out of it, did I give him reason to think I would take him back, was I not firm enough and that’s why he thought it was ok to keep hounding me???

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I know that at that moment in time, when I had met this man, he came at a time I needed the distraction and what I felt was very real as well.  I was wooed with flowers, his weekly accolades of self professing love for me…….I was blown away by it all, but also found myself becoming too willing to please.  Slowly, his insecurities crept in and I found myself being moulded by his beliefs.  Luckily, that inner Alpha Female in me won the good fight and when it ended, I wasn’t scared that it was over.  I think this took him by surprise, you see, I know I am strong and independent and I know I don’t need a man to define me.  I genuinely believe that, even though I flounder every now and then, this is me, the Alpha Female and I am proud of that.  I think the kids will eventually see this, I hope they do and learn from it.

This leaves me in another quandary I find myself in.  Do I hold back on dating if it comes my way?  Some friends say to me that I need time to find myself and learn to love myself again and that I don’t need to find a man to define this.  I know this……I really do……I thought I did love myself, as if I didn’t, I would still be in a very unhappy marriage.  By actively deciding not to go on a date…..am I again falling into the trap and putting too much emphasis on my relationship status?  Do you see my dilemma now?

Some friends say to you “You need to focus on you first” with the belief that before you can share your life with someone else, you first need to know who you are, what you want, and in what direction you’re headed. Now I buy into this, I do, but I know I am not wanting to look for the next marriage material. I am not sat at home wondering why I am staying single….I know why I am single.  I chose the wrong men and I am not perfect, I make mistakes.  I do know I am not a woman who needs a man, I like to challenge and I am always upfront, but extremely loyal………now this is where I know my sticking point was challenged as I misinterpreted being loyal for allowing myself to weaken.  You see I can still be loyal and challenge or disagree with someone’s point of view and it shouldn’t  have to be the end of the world.

The thing is, I don’t feel like I have this ticking time bomb over me as I have two beautiful kids, therefore I have no biological clock looming over me.  I don’t look at everyone elses relationship statuses and take it as a competition, I don’t fear that all the good men are taken, I know I am not too picky and have learnt not to settle for anything less than I believe I deserve.  I am not looking to rush into a relationship just so i can post on Facebook that I am in a relationship, do you get my drift?  I just want to have fun, whatever form that takes.

For a short time, I thought I had lost my confidence, I allowed a situation to define me, which in turn made me overthink…..I think I am nearly out of the woods.  Life is for living (yes I really did just use that cliché) so I am going to enjoy all the plans I have and stick with them.  If a hot guy wants to take me out for a drink, then I will accept it if the offer takes my fancy, yet I will not be defined as to whether this makes me happy…..my kids make me happy, my friends make me happy, my family too and I am sure as hell not going to fall into that trap that after a few dates, I am going to post it all over Facebook and have them meet my kids…….who does that (she says tongue in cheek)??!!  Now that is a whole new blog entry to think about.

The RugRats will be good, I know this as they challenge me and as long as they challenge me, then I know they can challenge themselves for the future and hopefully my RugRats can grow into strong, independant people, with the ability to kick ass when they need to.

xXx TTFN xXx

Finding Everything And Realising

11254337_10153577995462419_1081319849480295085_nWell we are on the brink of October nearly turning into November and I can honestly say, I really don’t know where the month has gone.  Half term is nearly here……one more day……I just had one more day before the RugRats finished but we have been hit with that twatting sick bug!  The eldest sobbed into his sick bowl crying that yesterday was the worst day of his life…..bugger, he takes after his mumma for being ill, poor lad.  On a plus side, being sick was related to being the worst day of his life……I’m taking that…….having it big time in fact.  Last time I blogged I spoke of the Mummy guilt that looms over me, well this sort of makes it feel a little better that he has forgotten the day we told him Mummy & Daddy were splitting up, was the worst day of his life.

There has been a sense of doom that has hovered over me the last few days.  Had too much time to think.  I am my own worst critic and boy I have done a lot of beating myself up with the shitty stick of late.  The solid crew sniffed it out a mile though didn’t they.  Thanks you lot.  I have been hiding under a rock for the best part of a week.  I promise I will snap out of it & very grateful for the massive kick up the arse that has been needed this week.

This month has been the anniversary of the hardest point in the divorce I went through. Looking back now, I was so full of optimism but also hiding a huge sadness that lay heavily in my heart.  I don’t like to dwell and as a good friend said to me today, it’s time to close a chapter and go on to the next one.  There have been many chapters that have followed on from the one I refer to and one that I don’t feel I can talk so openly about here as it has lead to me not wanting to date for a long time.

I tried to dip my toe back in the dating scene the other day and I quickly took it out with one huge shudder and since then I haven’t been able to stop beating myself up…..well enough is enough.  I am not even sure why I did it (well I did……a woman has needs don’t you know) but I also don’t have the time or the energy to start donning my sex kitten heels (which cause absolute havoc with the age old bunion) and making the effort to make, let’s face it, that typical wedding chat you do; you know, the one where you grasp around trying to find things in common with someone, just to make the time less awkward, I just cannot be bothered.  The mojo has packed up and left the building.

May be, in time, that feeling will go away & I may be able to enjoy being taken out by a few handsome men, but for now, I want to do the things I want to do, no demands, no ties, just me and the kids and friends having a few fun adventures……………..I just have a fear I may turn into a cougar later in life……I hope to god I don’t turn into a cougar!  One of my good friends gets excited about who I will end up with and I wish I could share in her enthusiasm, but I fear my mojo may not come back.  I thought I had found my forever guy, but that was not to be the case and now I find myself floundering with a lack of confidence…..I actually can see myself recoil in horror when a guy even smiles at me…..even hot guys……..see I am doomed, doomed I tell you!

I have not been sleeping well recently.  The dreams I am having have become more and more disturbing and I have got into the habit of doing a 3am check on the RugRats, just to make sure they are ok.  The times when I don’t have the kids have been filled with trying to stay busy and I am slowly getting the house in order bit by bit.  I have been planning the shit out of the next few months and there are lots of things that we have to be excited about.  One of those things comes in the form of a fluffy little puppy……I know, I must be mental but I know it will be one of the better decisions I have made of late.  We are all excited to get him and we are all madly in love and he isn’t even home yet.  3 weeks and counting…..eeeeekkkkkkk!  So there will be a new man in my life, and this one will be stuck with me for life!  I realised that when the RugRats are not here, I can make the very easy decision to stay in bed a little longer than normal and I have the time to procrastinate more….well the little dude will not allow me to do that and it will also be very good for the kids to have some responsibility too.

I always wanted a dog.  As a little girl we had a dear beloved dog called Jenny, she was a Bearded Collie and when we lost her to cancer, it was the first time I saw my Dad cry.  The absolute loyalty she showed our family was unfathomable and I always wanted my kids to experience that love from a dog, so here I am doing it and I didn’t have to have a long debate about a family decision, hurrah!!  3 weeks and counting my house will be full of puppy toys, and little surprise packages and little piddles to clean up!  It will keep us on our toes, but boy am I looking forward to a life with a Bearded Collie again and we can stop screaming “Bearded Collie” every time we drive past one, as we’ll have our very own coming on our adventures with us.  The added bonus of having the dog is that it will keep me away from the weird world of dating as I will be busy courting our little fur ball.

I have already booked a nice little break away with our little man & the RugRats so there are lots of things to be excited about & I am looking forward to the fun filled muddy walks and the little places you get to see that you don’t normally when you walk a dog…….although I think the olds think that this dog may walk me towards a new man in my life……not quite so sure about that one right now.

I love having this blog.  It makes me realign and focus on the positives. I had been putting off writing the last few days as I felt all melancholy and what I forgot was, that making myself sit down and take time out to spill my thoughts onto the keyboard, actually does me good.  Why is that??!

I am excited though, I am really excited for Bonfire Night, I am really excited about having my solid crew round for inappropriate games and drinks, I’m excited for the dog, I am excited for Christmas and having the first year of just being me and my family and soaking up the excitement they bring.  They trotted off tonight to their Dads so happy and I closed the door and felt relief, not that they had gone, but I watched them go off happy………my Mum guilt has lightened a little, cos you know what, they are happy and I am more than ok with that. I’m so proud of them, but I am also going to give myself a big pat on the back & you know what, I DESERVE it.  So if anyone out there is exhausted and feeling fed up, just do it, pat yourself on the back if you are a single mum, keeping it real, you deserve it lady, all single parents deserve it.

I’m going to sign off and dance around to this little number (Bridget Jones stylee) whilst I get ready to see some of my crew, so TTFN for now and enjoy this little number:

 

 

 

 

Hello October…..

img_2473-1So it’s been a while…..and October has descended within a blink of an eye!

I love October; for me it symbolises the start of the darker nights, autumn walks, cosy jumpers; but the most important of all, it is the month that I became a mummy. My first little RugRat was born and I know it all sounds so very cliched, I never knew a love like it until I held him in my arms. He was beautiful and came out with a head of dark hair and the moment I locked eyes on him my heart soared. The overwhelming desire to ensure that he knows he is loved and protected stays with me every day.

My boy always manages to surprise me with his ability to blow me away with his little nuggets of wisdom. At nearly 8, he seems to have this insane maturity  that sometimes also makes me choke up.

In my quiet moments, I wonder if the divorce has robbed him a little of his childhood and how it will affect his outlook on relationships. I hope that it does not have the negative affect that I fear. I am constantly being reassured by friends and family that kids are resilient little things, but that mum guilt always sneaks up on you.

There’s been a super amount of mum guilt going on of late…..when I last blogged I was full of optimism and in the middle of what I believed to be the greatest love story. When I read it now, I can’t help but squirm with embarrassment. Yes, you’ve guessed it…..it didn’t work out and I have been on another one of (to quote one of my solid crew) “life’s shifty learning curves”. What it did do though was distract me at a time that I needed to be distracted and for that I am grateful of.

So I find myself standing at the start of my favorite month looking on to what it will bring and wondering if it will bring new symbolism’s for the future.  It is also quite huge for me to look back at what has happened in the last year. In fact my first blog started in October. I was fired up with all the things I had planned, one of them to start writing again, but I didn’t quite finish it all off.

October makes me realise it has a history of new beginnings for me. New beginnings excite me but at the same time give me a feeling of the fear of the unknown. Will I fail?  Will I soar?  Will it bring luck?….well you make your own luck and I know one thing for sure…….I am staying a single mummy.

I need to do all the things I had promised myself we would do as The Three Musketeers.  If I can get through my little wish list and make myself go through some things that I’ve put off doing because of feeling awkward or unsure, then I will feel like I have achieved.  I know that there are two little people that look up to me and that motivates me every day.

So…….here goes……Come on October, let’s be having you.

xX TTFN Xx

 

192 days…..lots change in those days

img_2931So sitting here and reading my first posts has made me realise just how fast things change. When I last blogged, I was on a massive roller coaster of emotions. I was trying to work out how to handle a divorce and how to keep my little rugrats happy, whilst they were experiencing a massive shake up from their mummy and daddy divorcing.

I spent from the hours of 3 to 7 trying to act as if everything was just as normal as it could be. I had to, for the sake of my little rugrats. They needed some form of normality in the midst of a divorce, which turned bitter. My now ex husband (that feels so good) decided he would stay in the house right up until the end of November, whilst we exchanged words of war between solicitors. They say you never know someone truly until you experience divorce…..you really don’t! What he couldn’t see or refused to admit, that no matter how he pretended to be civil in front of our gorgeous creations; the innocent angels saw through this and picked up on the underlying tension between us. That, for my eldest, will take some time to heal from. His main fear now are arguments and runs as fast as he can when he perceives tension.  That, as a mummy, I find hard to process. No child should experience that, if it can be avoided. My ex could have avoided that as he had a bolt hole to go to. Instead, he chose to play the mental war tactics and smoke me out to gain the best financial settlement he could.

To be honest, as long as I was able to keep some continuity for the rugrats, in terms of being able to stay in the family home and do what is fair, I wasn’t that bothered. My priority was and always will be my children. Sadly, this wasn’t the same for my ex. The words “once we have agreed on a financial settlement, my attention will turn to the children” appeared on an email after I was begging him for some feedback on my proposals about co parenting, I was reeling…..to be frank, I still am.

I had made peace with divorcing, I was nervously excited about where life would take me next, but when you realise that you are trying to negotiate and always will have to negotiate with a narcissist, you suddenly get smacked in the face with the difficulty you will always have to face, as you share two children…….that never ever goes away. Now I find myself trying to make peace with this realisation.

For me, sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a seamless negotiation when it comes to our children. I can try to change my behaviour in any way which possible to help the situation, but that will mean bugger all if the other person is hell-bent on just trying to be awkward with you and not focus on what is right for 2 small people.
I hold my breath, but I fear it may be pointless. That makes me sad.

What I never saw coming, well not so soon, was meeting someone special…..yes I did!!! When I started this blog, it was after chatting to an old uni friend. I’d shared a few personal fears with him…..one of these was getting back on the saddle!! I realised early on in the process of my divorce, that I’d been so busy losing myself by loving others, I had forgotten what was important to me. He got me questioning myself again….back at uni, I left so sure of what and who I wanted to be. I had a vision of how I saw a relationship being too.

After having a few midnight chats and lots of sleepless nights, I wrote a list of what I would and wouldn’t compromise on within a relationship. This friend encouraged me that to go out dating would help me get back on the saddle.  A few wines later, one night with my cousin, gave me the Dutch courage I needed and I entered the world of online dating!

At first, I was intrigued as this never really was a part of my dating repartee back in the day! Back in my day, we went to bars and nightclubs where we proceeded to get tipsy and flirt outrageously with men we fancy.  Suddenly I had entered the world that seemed to be completely alien to me. I mean has it really come down to this? Swipe left if he’s a minger and swipe right if he’s fit?!! Apparently so!!

A month in and I realised that there were a lot of married men on there who were evidently not bothered to admit they were and were after one thing only……and no, I’m not talking about intellectual chat….some of the things I was sent and saw, still has me wincing now….but oh so funny!

My cousin had been dancing around with the world of online dating for some time and I confided in her that I found it all really daunting…..how on earth were you ever meant to meet a lifelong partner on a site that seemed to be more about physical attraction and one night stands. Being a mum of two, I didn’t have the time for all that…..I also didn’t want to be sleeping around and putting myself in compromising situations as a mum.

I was about to delete my profile after having a little wobble and on my way to refuge in hotter climates with my parents when I spotted a profile…..he had this amazing smile which instantly peaked my interest….I read his bio….sporty, sense of humour….and that all important point that came on my list of priorities when considering who I wanted to date……. A family man! So I thought, sod it…..then swiped right, just to throw that last shake of the dice before I gave up on the alien world of online dating……holy shit…..”YOU HAVE A MATCH” flashed up once more on my screen…..it was the family man…..now this is where it gets tricky in the world of online dating…..who makes that first move of sending a message? So going with the mood I was in at that moment, I decided I had nothing to lose but make that first move; after all, I was off on holiday for a week with the rugrats the next morning, I had nothing to lose.

Well, you know how the saying goes, “and the rest is history”…..well it is!  I find myself in a relationship with a man who has the most beautiful heart, a glowing soul and he ticks all those important things I once set off life from uni hoping I would find in a loving relationship.

Sitting here now, writing this, especially after reading my last blog entries, seems like a lifetime ago and I am still pinching myself.

What I do know is, I have learnt from the breakup of a relationship. I have learnt never to take anything or anyone for granted.  I also believe that sometimes in life, you’re damned if you do and you’re dammed if you don’t, so you may as well do what makes you happy….but not at the cost of others!  I have gone into this relationship with my eyes wide open and with the confidence to start off by being as honest with my hopes and dreams, this in turn with the hope it stands us in good stead for our new future together.

There is so much to catch up on since my last blog and I can’t cover it in one entry…..it would be a huge entry and anyone would lose the will to live reading it all in one go. So this is where I begin again and I’m sure there will be many moments I share…..but for now good night and God bless……I’m off to date my new man via the powers of FaceTime…….the things you do when you juggle dating and children !

The mean reds

Well I have my good and bad days and to be honest with you, I’ve felt very tearful the last few days. Like the feeling I can sort of imagine if you were lost at sea. That’s me, bobbing along, trying to keep my head above water.

I’m hoping it’s the mean reds fault as they have arrived & I’m craving chocolate and have the most horrendous spots. Everything is making me cry! You see I like to feel I have some control over my life & the RugRats lives, it makes me feel better. Don’t worry I’m not a control freak or anything, I just need order and when your soon to be ex won’t budge from the room downstairs and seems to have no plan on leaving any time soon, it gets a bit fraught. You see I’m curious to know how me & the RugRats are going to forge our way into a new routine & family life. I like to plan ahead, but right now I can’t and it panicks me.

I made a really big mistake & went to the cinema tonight….I watched Miss You Already. Big mistake, HUGE mistake. I’m still crying now. I’m now panicking as to what I would do if I ever got terminally ill, what would happen with the RugRats, how would they cope?? You see this bit didn’t really hit me till watching that….realising that you forget your own mortality and how even going through the big D changes things you tentatively thought about as a couple, if ever anything bad happened.  I’m going to have to rethink all that shit.  That stuff gives me the shivers, but I know I’m going to have to face up & sort it out, in case, God forbid, anything did happen.  I love my RugRats so so much. I’m so glad we were lucky enough to have them, I’m glad that they are here & I don’t regret a moment for the fact they are here, loving me, loving them.

Yesterday was a special day though. Yesterday I had happy tears. Part of my rock solid crew became the 2.4 family yesterday. I managed to sneek a little cuddle too. There is something completely magical about babies, they are so tiny and this blank canvas, ready to take on the world with all its life lessons. You just want them to be happy & snuggle them forever don’t you?

This baby was a little gift for my gorgeous friend. Seeing her as I walked in, so content with her newborn daughter all wrapped up & snuggled into her chest was the most beautiful sight. To see them with their new addition to their beautiful family was the best thing ever.

There’s my friend, sat there, completely knackered from the longest labour in the world (I’m not shitting you either) and she still wants to know how I’m doing. The most selfless person I know and the most caring, whitty, sharp, intelligent girl I think I have ever met.

She doesn’t like a fuss, so I won’t embarrass her, but I just hope she knows how thankful I am for all that she does & I hope she enjoys her time finding her feet with her new addition and soaking up all those precious new experiences as a family of 4.

So even though this week is turning into a roller coaster of emotions I’m going to sign off tonight with the following sentiment….

You’ve got the love

36349b188290067868ad1e6d7d92a4b0So, I decided to start this blog as my therapy and I have quietly told a few close friends. They have all agreed that this could be a good thing. I remember when I went to the solicitors to start the divorce and I remember telling my solicitor that I have verbal diarrhoea when it comes to my feelings. What you see is what you get! Seeing as I cannot sick up all my feelings to my soon to be ex husband and as I know most of my friends have their own lives to live, rather than listen to me moan every half an hour, I may as well just lay it all out in this strange world of blog.

I am learning fast who are the friends that are my rock solid crew, the ones that have seen me cry, don’t judge & hug me when I need a hug.  I also begin to learn who some people may call the “fair weather” friends and they seem to immediately look like they want the ground to swallow them up when I mention the “D” word.  I think I touched upon the point when I created this little blog, that I started the year accepting that I should not hold on to the relationships that weren’t working out, but I also realise that there are many different types of friendships & it is learning how you can put them into the little categories that all of us know we have for these friendships.

I remember that moment when I was on my way to stay with family with my two little RugRats & at that point there were only a handful of people who knew me & the soon to be ex were getting divorced (I always whisper that word when I say it….but that’s a whole different blog).  Seeing as it was all very fresh & I was still coming to terms in my own head as to what we were about to start, imagine my surprise to receive text messages, less than 4 hours into my break away, from our joint friends saying they were sorry to hear our news……..even more so knowing that the soon to be ex wouldn’t even tell his own family, but felt it was ok to send a group text to friends, without giving me a heads up.

I remember the feeling I had reading that first message I got, late at night……I wanted to vom in the nearest thing I could find to vom in……it was the moment I had dreaded to be honest.  It was less than a week in & I was on autopilot, taking the kids to holiday club, going to work, trying to work, picking kids up from holiday club, feed them tea, play games with them, take them to play dates…..all of this was done on autopilot & if you asked me what I actually did that 1st week….I could honestly not tell you coherently…..I still get upset thinking of that week as I type. I just wanted to hide from the world & wrap me & my RugRats in a big duvet & cuddle ALL the time.  So when the texts came through, my little protective bubble I had made around me & my RugRats was burst that very moment, I knew in that moment that the failure of my marriage would be being talked about in our group of friends, our relationship would be dissected & pulled apart (ironic seeing as it is broken, I know) & friends would be second guessing at why & how it all went wrong…..suddenly it wouldn’t be mine & the ex’s problem to work out, but there would be other opinions flying into the mix.

My head just wanted to explode and I was also worried I’d lose a close friend from it, my lovely, beautiful, crazy friend who was the chief bridesmaid on our wedding day & also the friend who was married to the soon to be ex’s best friend.  You see, I didn’t tell this friend as I had this overwhelming fear I’d lose her, I didn’t want her to feel she had to choose, I didn’t want to be this shit friend who went and ruined our circle of friends.  How could I broach this subject with one of my best mates, without it having a knock on effect on all that we had shared & all that we had built, in our cosy little lives?

I felt sick, as I knew she would have got that message & I needed to ring her to explain why I hadn’t told her……….but then I looked at my phone as I was driving to my escape to the country, and there it was, a message from her, my beautiful crazy friend.  I couldn’t read it as I was driving at the time, I didn’t want mum to read it to me, as I knew I’d be a mess as I read it & I didn’t want the little RugRats to see mummy cry.  I waited till I locked myself in the toilets of the motorway services and with shaking hands, I clicked on it and it took me 5 times to read it as I just cried & cried……..I won’t share that message here, as that is between me and my beautiful friend……..but in that moment, the relief was overwhelming, she didn’t hate me, she was worried about me & we agreed we would talk when I got a chance………..needless to say when we got that moment to talk, I realised this girl was part of my rock solid crew and do you know what I also realised?  That conversation was one of the most honest conversations we’d been able to have in such a long time, which in turn made me realise, that this rocky road I was setting foot on, was going to be worth it in the end.  I realised that I had been trying to be this person I wasn’t for a long time & it even became hard for me to say when this started really, how scary is that??

When I was talking to my beautiful friend, she told me to make sure I went to my friends for advise & to remember that it was okay to admit I was struggling & to stop being so proud & lean on the friends I had.  You see she knows me well; I don’t like to make a fuss (believe it or not) & I don’t like to burden people, but I am beginning to take on that advise & that is what I realise each day when I am evaluating how the day has gone.  I remember her telling me that she couldn’t be that friend who knows all about the legal shit or how to sort my finances & protect myself & get all the nitty-gritty organised, she pointed me to our other friend for that (my little fighter, an angel sent in disguise with the best potty mouth ever), but she told me she knew she had other strengths that she didn’t need to remind me of, as that is why I love her, just the way she is.

I suppose what I am trying to get at is, I love all my friends, they all have their different qualities & strengths, and I love the different dimensions they bring to my life and the RugRats life; even the fair weather friends.  I accept that this won’t be easy for some of my friends and I accept that there will be some casualties along the way, but that doesn’t worry me, as I know that when I am near the end of the “D” journey, it won’t matter to me how many friends I have, as I know who the important ones are and that makes me smile, really smile.  Even in these early stages, I already see that some friendships may even become stronger now, then they ever had been. I accept you all, warts and all, because that’s what makes life fun right??! So for all my friends, the song that feels appropriate for my mood right now, is especially for you, I love you all for your different reasons, just as special as each other.

xXx TTFN xXx