Happiness is…

It’s Good Friday and we have been forecast snow for this weekend.

I have been woken by an excited RugRat expecting the Easter Bunny to have arrived but mummy bunny has been working until late most nights and forgot to put the eggs out before they go off to their dads tonight.

I have a long weekend without them and it seems like it will be a long one if we have snow. I love getting out with the fluffy beast and I am desperate to get back into my running. I need the boost and the headspace it gives me. I quite like running on my own, I actually have grown to like my own company and worry I am becoming a bit of a recluse!

I have hinted in the past that I’ve had some upset with family relationships on top of a divorce. I have spent a long time blaming myself and tearing myself apart wondering what I could have done differently. Point is, I have come to realise that whilst I have ownership of my response and behaviour, it’s a two way street. That’s taken some time and some pretty intense therapy to feel comfortable with that.

I have learnt a lot about myself more in the last few months than I had allowed myself in the last 4 years. It wasn’t until I actually looked back and realised I had been through a lot of upset & experiences that I had just buried & those experiences were raising their ugly heads all at once. I knew I had to face them head on. Now I feel calm and I feel I can actually trust my instinct and not question it as I have been doing for a while. Most importantly, I have learnt to stop pleasing everyone else, drown out the noise and do things for myself without the conflicting counsel from others.

I’m not saying we don’t need to talk with our closest, but everyone has differing opinions & essentially you have to deal with things in your own way, at you own pace and ensure that you really are doing things that you feel comfortable with, not what you think others want you to do, that is not the key to happiness…..actually it will only result in anxiety & constant questioning of yourself. A good support network lets you be you and is there to comfort you when the chips are down without the “told you so” speeches.

So I am going to spend this weekend catching up with friends, trying to dodge snow and get my house in order ready for juggling Easter holidays with work & RugRats. I will think of loved ones, miss the ones I can’t be with, but essentially, be grateful for the little things as actually, I may feel I’m winging it most days, but I’m no different to everyone else. I am just going to enjoy the experiences and hope those that have left my life for whatever reason, are happy & healthy too.

Happy Easter ❤️

Where is Spring?

It’s the middle of March & I am sat at home with a humongous hangover taking comfort with my fluffy dog and a blanket watching the snow come down.  Apparently this is the smaller version of the Beast of The East & quite frankly it can bloody well stop now!

I had plans for this weekend to be productive but it isn’t looking too good & I have been patiently waiting for the sun as it is the excuse I have been waiting for to come out of hibernation.  I am going to be honest & admit that I have struggled this winter, I have allowed myself, for the first time in a long time, to succumb my mood & mental wellbeing to match the grey skies and dark days.  I was beating myself up for that too……in fact I found I became an amazing critic of myself and held back no punches & I have promised myself, with some help, to put a stop to that.  There is no quick fix, it will take time but I am proud of myself for having to courage to recognise it and own it.

My last blog was about kindness and communication, yet what we all need to ensure is how to be kind to ourselves.  A friend reminded me of this the other day with a post from French Toasts Instagram page.


It resonates with me on so many levels and it is a good reminder that even when you feel like you have had the crappiest of days, you can start again tomorrow & you shouldn’t beat yourself up for that.  I am also very lucky to have a mum who will not let me forget this either.  This week has really been a case of Mums know best & I hope my children will have the same strong relationship with me as they grow up.  After having a really crappy week, my Mum made me refocus on the positives, so I will remind myself:

  • I have a beautiful home that I share with my RugRats and fluffy dog
  • I am a full time working mum & still manage to get most shit done
  • My children feel loved & secure
  • I may be a moody shit at times, but I know when to say sorry & more importantly MEAN it
  • I have a strong relationship with my parents & I know they love me
  • I have people around me that love me even though I feel lonely sometimes, we all suffer that at times & I handle it
  • Even when I feel wronged, I ALWAYS forgive
  • I am fiercely loyal
  • I am actually good at my job, even with all the plates spinning
  • I have a strong work ethic
  • I know when to ask for help
  • I am emotional. Some people may think that’s a weakness but I now recognise it as a strength & I am owning it!
  • Even when I am sad, I find the strength to smile & love to make others smile
  • I managed to navigate a divorce & stay dignified
  • I am proud to be in a place with my ex where we share parenting with no drama
  • I am still able to go on holidays and spend quality time with or without my children
  • I feel comfortable in my own company
  • I can be firm but fair
  • I can laugh at myself
  • I love with all my heart

Truthfully, I was encouraged to do a full SWOT analysis on myself this week, some of it was quite brutal but it also made me focus & it also taught me that although I was beating myself up and questioning myself whether I truly did have self awareness, it reaffirmed that I do & I am not saying you should never allow yourself to make mistakes, it’s human and it should be seen as a positive rather than a negative that you recognise when you make mistakes & most importantly how you rectify them.  The only downside is when you do them in your relationships with the people in your lives, you need them to reciprocate this in certain instances & this is why life can become so messy as some of us fight and some of us fly.  Most importantly, and this is the biggy, never lose yourself trying to make others see their part in a situation, when they just don’t want to see it.

So I am going to use this weeks lesson & I am going to push myself out of my comfort zone & wrap up warm and watch my fluffy dog eat snow and cock his leg at every upright thing he passes & laugh even though I want to wallow & whinge about where the bloody sun is.  See, I am trying!




The age of social media & personal attacks….is this society as we now know it?

il_340x270.1112764778_35cpI have touched upon my reservations after starting my blog at publishing my private thoughts within a public space, as I felt I was leaving myself open for judgement and wanted to shy away from that as I felt vulnerable and not ready to go into battle with anyone who openly criticised me for it.

I also questioned, that whilst I am clearly cautious of spilling my personal life into a public domain, is it hypocritical of me to allow myself to knowingly invite judgement as when you step into the world of blogging, surely you are leaving yourself wide open to judgement which won’t always be met with positive comments, due to everyone having different opinions.

I have also found myself even sensoring what I post on Facebook or Instagram these days, as I found that I was having to justify myself for sharing my private life & I have to admit, I was once a daily poster and used to share a lot, but I do not share anywhere near the amount I used to, frankly it was boring mundane rubbish, but also I have become aware of the way social media has opened us to another platform of airing our opinions and sometimes I have witnessed more so than not, some nasty fallouts from misinterpretations and comments aimed at putting people down.

Due to keeping things more private, some people have come to the conclusions that I am not seeing my friends as much, or I am more obsessed with my fluffy dog than my RugRats; point is, I am still seeing my friends, still doing things as a family, I just choose not to share it all as I am quietly cautious at how people are openly judging others for their online content on how they chose to express his or her views on any particular issue or topic.

In a world where we have information readily available at our fingertips, it seems to now be that it is becoming our downfall in society, as we seem to be disconnected emotionally from online content.  If you were in a healthy debate face to face with someone, I do not think it would be an intense angry face to a comment that you don’t agree with, resorting in a personal attack as you see so much online, by using sarcastic comments and vulgarities aimed at the other person.  You would hopefully listen to that person’s opinion, debate your own opinion and compromise, surely?  So why do we not see that happen online?

I witnessed an unfortunate series of comments made towards a lady on a Facebook page the other week, who was clearly upset at making the decision to rehome her pet.  She was bombarded with the most rude, judgmental and nasty comments I had personally had the displeasure to read.  People had personally attacked her, without knowing her backstory and even accused her of getting rid of the pet like it was a commodity to her and asked if she would do the same to her own children.  It was fuelled further by people liking these judgmental comments and I read in shock as I saw them play out.  What made these people think that it was ok to cast such asspirations on her, in an open community site, where you would most likely have to face these people in the “real world”, as we all live close by.  Some people I have spoken to made comments that also took me by surprise, saying she left herself wide open to be judged on the page by asking for help to rehome the pet, however, don’t we all do the same if we ask people for any sort of advise on these sort of community pages, and just because it was a pet, did she deserve the vitriolic responses she got?

I have found myself questioning whether it really is social media that is allowing us to be ruder, or have we always been as rude, but we see it more due to social media?  Discussing it on a night out with “him indoors” and he made me think further about it.  One thing he said and it has made me think, is it more prevalent due to the Thatcher era?  The “no such thing as society” mantra gave rise to the ” I’m first, me second and anything left I’ll have it” brigade who are now in their 30s and maybe a reason I notice it more as I am from that era.  I would like to think that we are not all like this, but what concerns me is that I am raising my RugRats in an era that appears to be producing people that have no social shame and unable to be emotionally intelligent or empathetic.

What is certain is that negativity spreads like wildfire on the internet, as I make of point of when I watched the negative comments role in on the Facebook post I mentioned and whilst the internet has the potential to open new doors for discussion of global news and politics; what is clearly evident is that it is a cesspool for insults and personal attacks. Sadly if you have an opinion, someone, somewhere will have an extreme reaction to it.  This is the key, it appears that we are seeing more extremist views as they are free to be aired on the world wide web.

Due to an unforeseen accident with my eye, I got to watch Loose Women the other day and they had a timely chat about how people are becoming more vitriolic with their online comments by opinions they air on the show.  They discussed how we can now, at the touch of a button unlike something, show an angry face or openly use aggressive language ranting their own opinions and putting others down for having differing opinions, believing theirs are better. Ruth Langsford raised a point that we hide behind the anonymity of the internet these days and we comment in anger and walk away, however, if you were in an open debate with friends, you would be more considerate and you would be open to discussion and debate and you might even change your opinion once you had listened to people.  This is the crux I feel, no one wants to listen to each other anymore, we all think we are experts on the internet and lash out without thinking intelligently or emotionally, and if we see this, is this an insight to someone’s true character, that would be personally sensored when speaking to people face to face?

Trolling is everywhere online — you only have to look at Trump’s tweets to see how normalised rudeness has become. And it’s affecting us in real life. After doing my own research I came across research that showed it makes us less creative and less effective at doing our work. What I feel more than ever, is that we need to start being a lot more respectful to each other and reevaluating how we communicate with each other, for the sake of our future children and no, don’t let people tell you that you are being overly sensitive, you have a right to set boundaries and you have a right to point out rude behaviour and make people think about their quick snap judgments made on your online content, as well as your real life.

So if you are guilty of  throwing insults without thinking about the consequences which you feel is emboldened with an emoji or hashtags like #YOLO and #JustSaying, do yourself a favour, think empathetically and try and connect emotionally, before you press ‘send’ and consider whether you would be just as passive aggressive and negative to the friend sitting across you, sharing a brew.




Welcoming in 2018

Simple Best Quotes On Reality Of Life new year new me invictus maneo i remain undefeated


Hello and Happy New Year, although I appreciate that it is February, however, I have been hibernating!!  Hibernating and trying to stop stuffing myself in the post Christmas smog…

In my last blog I was in that mad Christmas anxious state and most of January was spent in the post Christmas anxious state, along with mourning my birthday, which was badly timed by my parents. Fellow January birthday people will gladly agree that having a birthday in January is pretty pants, especially if you are the annoying friend that gets giddy celebrating every birthday, but quietly sulks as we are all skint in January, so who wants to celebrate with you?!  I don’t feel like I can celebrate my own birthday as I am so skint from Christmas and generally I got paid early in the December and it totally messes with my accounting.  Fellow January birthday people get this and I mourn with you. That said, I did get away with my fellow January birthday man & we got to the heady hills of Edinburgh, where we sank our sorrows in wee drams and stuffed our faces with haggis….not bad for mourning a birthday hey?

So 2018 has descended and I am hoping with that brings more calm, more reflection and growing into the new shape of me.  I really do not like to make new year resolutions & even more so than ever, I believe that you should always assess where you are now and how you feel and look at what you have learnt and if you can do things better.  I am free to change my mind on opinions I once had or decisions I made, if I feel that is the right thing to do for the well being of me and the little RugRats.  If anything the last 30 months have taught me, nothing has to be fixed in stone and everything can remain fluid.  Sometimes we can be too fixated on a plan and then when it doesn’t go to plan, we can obsess on the finer details…but does it really matter? Isn’t it more of an adventure to have little diverts along the way?

With this in mind, I have opened myself up to new challenges…some of these are within work and whilst they will bring more stress, it will open me up to new adventures and more opportunities in the long run.  I have touched upon questioning whether I am in the right job before and for a long time this has troubled me.  I got asked why it troubled me so much and how about looking at it from a different view, that you may not have done your degree with the present career in mind, but what you have achieved is transferring the skills you gained into a different path.  This made me smile, as I had spent so long feeling guilty and people openly saying to me that I am only in the job because of it being a family business, that I felt for a long time that I almost felt like a fraud, but I am not and I know I am not and it has given me a new confidence that is growing each day.  Okay, so I don’t have the dream job, but it’s exciting to think that with it, comes the opportunities that would not necessarily come my way and give me the flexibility that I am so lucky to have now.

I have also enlisted myself into a new club that me and the RugRats can be part of as a family and by doing this we get to learn a new skill of sailing.  This is really exciting for RugRat 1 as he is obsessed with Swallows & Amazons and I get to gain my proper qualifications, instead of playing around with a few boats like I once did at Uni.  We get to be involved in all the social functions and it makes us meet new people and make new friendships as the newish family unit that we are.  I am really looking forward to this and we seem to have hit lucky with the club and everyone have been very welcoming.

We have a few breaks planned as a family and I also have a few girly trips booked or planned for the year.  It is really hard as a mum as you have the guilt of ensuring you get to have lovely holidays planned with your children, but then you also need that time to yourself too, especially as a single mum.  I think it is really important that all mums make the time on self care, whether it be 10 minutes locked away with a good book and a brew, or a cinema date with your girlfriends, or a sneaky date night.  It doesn’t always have to be city breaks and massages, do what you need to do, however little it is, to be you and not “Mummy”, “Wife”, “Sister”, “Aunty”, “Girlfriend”, just you.

I may have a lovely man by my side, but he is not my RugRats dad, they have a dad who is luckily still involved in their lives, and we don’t live together & I still very much have to own the decisions I make that affect my RugRats and it will always land on my shoulders.  This part is still overwhelming some days, but as time goes on, I am learning ways to process that and deal with it as things arise.

So ok, you may say that these sound like NY resolutions, but I prefer not to label, so I am going with the flow and I will carry on winging it with all the other parents, winging at life and doing what we can, as best as we can whilst trying to be kinder to myself and open to change.  That is a pretty huge statement hey?!

Till the next time…..TTFN xXx



Countdown to Christmas…let the extreme parent anxiety commence

BBC's Motherland: What is it about? When can I watch it?

(Picture: Colin Hutton/Delightful Industries/Merman)

So I have my lists from the RugRats for Christmas….well I’ll stop kidding myself, I had RugRat no 2s list and I freaked and no 1 is now refusing to write a list as he has been asking about a charity I have got work to support and now he feels he can’t ask for anything.

No1 is happy with her 4 things on her list…..which half I cannot get and also seems completely overpriced for what they are, but I fear I sound completely bah humbug.  So regrettably I have ordered them from some ridiculous waiting list and hope to god (not that I am a religious person….well I struggle with that) that they arrive on time for the usual 1am christmas morning wrap up.

I think I may have helped No 1 get his head round not feeling guilty writing a list ( we have sorted presents for the charity) and I have got him a few bits & bobs, but I am sat here procrastinating who to get what for the rest of my family whilst I help my mum source all the things she needs.

I can feel my anxiety levels rising minute by minute and I know it will all end soon, but on top of the Christmas shizzle, I have all the day-to-day shizzle to sort and that has its own anxiety levels attached…so I am on double whammy, about to run and hide under my bed with Moz the monster, anxious……I think you can get the picture now. But hang on…..I made the huge mistake of going through the RugRats school bags……the thousands of letters from the different schools PTAs about the various christmas events going on to the run up to Christmas Holidays for them and a letter has just landed on the mat to say I am due an MOT and service……do I:

  • run now and shout “every man & woman for themselves”
  • hide under the bed until New Year with Moz the Monster
  • reach for the Gin and stuff my face with cheese….

Well that gives you a flavour of a few options that have gone through my mind, but what is blindingly obvious is that I have to get my shit together and face it head on, but why do we put ourselves under so much pressure at Christmas, or any other day for that matter?!

I binge watched the BBC’s Motherland the other Sunday night….howled laughing but also thought it was a perfect parody of the life most mothers up and down the country actually have.  If you are a parent, you really need to get yourself hooked up with this on catch up and you will instantly connect with the characters, I dare you to take me up on this if you don’t agree, as I reckon you will like the little band of misfits on their mission to cope with daily life as a parent and the pressure you feel to make sure your kids feel included.

I have a slight girl crush on Sharon Hogan and when I learnt that her pilot was turned into a series, I waited with excitement.  Even the boyfriend got involved as he is a big fan of Father Ted and Sharon Hogan co wrote the script with Holly Walsh.  Needless to say, we sniggered and could not stop watching it back to back.

The writers have done an amazing job at portraying life with satirical humor in the playground and although I laughed a lot at Julia and her mum shouting and how each morning my life is like hers, okay without the husband, so a bit of Liz thrown in too, but  there came some uneasy viewing too with the perfect PTA mummy gang who are portrayed to constantly judge Julia, Liz and Kevin.  Kevin really wants to be in their gang but he isn’t cool enough to be in it as he’s a stay at home dad, Liz is a single mum and is suspected of trying it on with Amanda’s husband & Julia has sacrificed her kids for work.  So it stirs up those old feelings from not being in the cool gang at school or with the cool workmates that hang out without you, it makes you connect with the misfits and you cheer them on for standing up to the cool gang.

I loved Motherland, as you can tell, and it makes me realise, that with all this Christmas shizzle, I will try the best I can, but I don’t have to be insta perfect at it and I may have dark circles under my eyes, but to my kids, I am cool, so job done.  They won’t notice if I don’t make my own cookies or if my carpets need a clean, they’ll just love the fact that they got a few presents and spent time with mummy, sozzled on gin…..as apparently I am much nicer with a drink inside me (there’s your nod).

Now I’m off to bum fight over a Fingerling & then do more online shopping whilst I binge on Peeky Blinders…..TTFN

I’ve become “that” obsessed doggy person and I am not afraid to admit it

So I have loosely referred to my beautiful dog in the last few posts, but I have never written a whole post on him.

Meet Bumble, he is img_8873.jpg

a Bearded Collie and turned 1 in September, he is my 3rd baby….yes I just referred to him as my baby!  When I first started to think about getting a puppy, I kept my plans to myself for a while….then I just couldn’t help myself and my plans would just fall out of my mouth.  Cue the comments from concerned family and friends….”are you mad”, “do you know how much hard work they are?”, ” how are you going to cope with a dog when you struggle to juggle kids and and work on your own”….I got them all and I seriously questioned my own sanity for a while.

What was interesting to experience, is that when you think about getting a dog and you start to tell people your plans, a lot of negativity comes out, well it did in my experience and it made me question my own judgement and whether I was making the right decision.  I have come to realise that when you get a dog, or any pet for that matter, you get hounded by everyone’s opinions on how you should handle and bring up a pet. One person suggested that I was being selfish and even had the audacity to presume that I would regret within the first year of getting a dog as it would hinder my social life….well let me tell you, I have loved every minute of Bumble so far.  I watched in horror on a local Facebook community page after a young woman asked for advice on which breed of puppy she should look at.  The poor woman must have received over 80 responses and 90% of those were the most judgemental, patronising comments I ever read, but unfortunately, from my own experience, it didn’t surprise me. I rarely comment on these posts, but when I saw her being lectured by people who were assuming she hadn’t a clue on how to bring up a dog along with the responsibilities, I had to comment and assure her not everyone is quick to judge.  To my relief, it encouraged others to do the same thing and I later received a private message from her thanking me for the positive comment.

Ok the puppy stage is hard and being house proud makes life harder when you have a dog, but no-one & I mean no-one gets me like Bumble does.  All you doggy owners out there reading this will know what I mean.  In fact, as I madly type this blog, he is lay at my feet.  Every time and even today, I realise he doesn’t leave my side, particularly after the RugRats dad comes to pick them up.  He just senses and seems to know I adore his company.  I can have the worst day or I will be walking into the house after picking up the RugRats and they will be talking over each other and arguing about who should have sat in the front this time & telling me off for not getting it right and up his fluffly little head pops from his dopey snooze and with a cock of the head, he makes me smile instantly and in that moment all the worries and RugRat arguments disappear.

Yes, I’m in love with my dog and I really don’t care and you can tease me and mock me, but I am and he has been there and comforted me at some really shitty times, when no one else has.  I tell him my worries, I moan to him about the weather and I ask him if he thinks my boyfriend is the right choice and it really doesn’t matter he can’t talk back and this is probably why dogs are seen as being so theraputic, they don’t judge!

Some of you may think I love my dog more than the RugRats but it isn’t the case that I do, it is just that he gives me an uncomplicated relationship and he makes me feel calm at times when I never thought possible.  When I find myself being on my own and a little low, he is there and makes me get up in the mornings when I don’t have the RugRats and has made me stop and realise that I live in a pretty part of the country, whereas before, I may not have seen that.

I was recently having a chat with a colleague and old friend and he admitted to me that when I told him about getting Bumble, he thought it was the biggest mistake I’d have made to date.  He hadn’t voiced this to me at the time, he kept it to himself, but it was pretty big of him to admit this to me recently and he made me smile as he said, “I have to eat my own words now and I am sorry, but he really isn’t the biggest mistake, it was a genius move for you and the kids”.  You see, for all you doubters out there, this wasn’t a quick fix and patch up from a divorce, as from experiencing having a dog as a little girl, what also happens is that they teach children an important lesson in life, responsibility.  I felt as a mummy to two RugRats, that they needed something to anchor to when they had experienced an upheaval, but also at the same time get back a way of communicating to them in terms of teaching them life skills, with the help of a puppy to reinforce the message I wanted to give to them.  Sounds deep, but it really isn’t and felt like the right way to teach them discipline at a time when rules seemed blurred as they were getting used to different terms in their two homes.  The RugRats know that Bumble needs feeding, walking and playing with, but they also have learnt the discipline you need with a dog in terms of training them and working as a team so Bumble knows where he stands in the family (or pack to him).  It is working and they also relate to people in their day to day lives better in terms of feelings and empathy towards others around them.

What is most special of all, Bumble has brought laughter back in the house.  There have been some fraught times, but he has brought back the RugRats magical giggles and I love how they beg me for him to have a sleepover in their rooms now he is older & I know that they will have their moments where they will use him as their own sounding board and get comfort from him when they don’t feel able to come to me or their Dad.

So I may not have the savings I once dreamed of having as my money now gets spent of the dog and RugRats and I have to plan my holidays wisely, with or without the dog and taking into account dog sitters and vets bills, but I really don’t regret my decision one bit and would go as far to say “up yours” to the doubters out there.

It made me laugh when I went to a conference last week, which actually inspired me to blog again, as an entrepreneur Sam Jones spoke of his blog on having a dog in the office and how it caused a dramatic split in opinion and it was the most commented blog he’d produced to date.  Becoming a dog owner and asking for people’s advice really does seem to open you up to passionate comments from both sides of the fence even when you are a dog lover.  But what Sam recognises is, there are so many articles on dogs being good for office morale and people’s well-being, it is hard to argue against those pros and to me the far outweigh the cons.

To close, I may rock the boat further by making this statement, but if you are planning on getting a puppy and people tell you having a puppy is like having a baby, I am sorry but I really don’t agree.  I know I refer to him as my baby, but I didn’t have to get up with every 3-4 hours and change his nappy and breastfeed him, like I did with the RugRats.  He has learnt to fit in with us and along the way he has taught us some pretty amazing lessons on unrequited loyalty and he is the bestest friend I’ve ever had & he may have even inspired me to write about his adventures…..now just to try to convince work that he will boost productivity too!

Where did 2017 go?!

img_8987-1So my last post was New Years Eve and we are fast approaching the end of November.  I have blinked and nearly a whole year has passed me by!

I have kept myself to myself this year.  It felt like the first year since my divorce was a frenzy of change and adjustment and I was riding the crest of a wave in terms of feeling positive and reading back on my last post, I know I was experiencing delayed reactions to the reality of what had happened.  I felt guilty for feeling upset and confused why I only started to feel that way.

The thing is, I know I felt empowered as a woman to free myself from a relationship that I knew hadn’t been working for a long time and I felt grateful that I had managed to keep a certain status quo for my RugRats by not having to move, but the thing is, I didn’t allow for the reality of everything to hit me when the dust had settled.  I read something recently (the blog fails to come into mind as I type) that it generally takes 2 years for you to come to terms with the after effects of divorce; by looking at the timing, I would say this is pretty accurate.

I have a theory…..when you go through a divorce, you have your core friends who are there to keep you going when the chips are down, then you have your outer circle who dip in and check on you now and then and then you have the rest of your friends, who you realise are just your, dare I use the Stacey Forsey terms from Cheshire Housewives, your “social friends”!  So the social friends are the ones that scamper!  You don’t hear from them and there are those awkward moments in the school playground or the local shop, that you bump into them and you are feeling hurt and they are clearly embarrassed that they haven’t a clue what to say to you……bin those mates!  Just bin them now (obviously I’m not saying be rude and blank them, you can still maintain the pleasantries) as they will be the people who make you anxious and question yourself….stop that now.  Believe in the theory that when this happens, it is about THEM and not YOU and is a clear indicator to their own insecurities.  This has taken me until fairly recently to realise that and it has made me question everything I have done and made we reflect and wonder if I have done something to offend them…..the theory my best friend & I came up with is that they have questioned their own relationship and also my best mate also reckons they think I may hit on their husbands & therefore clearly don’t know the real me!

The outer circle and inner circle friendships are all people I have been friends with for a long time and know me well, but as time goes on, people have their own lives to lead and it starts to become quite awkward when it comes to dinner party invitations or couples nights out and those slowly drift and you begin to feel isolated.  You used to have the “sympathy invitations”, as one of my single mum friends recently referred to, and as a close friend referred to me recently, “showing girl power”, and your married friends or friends in long-term relationships would invite their recent single girlfriends, but the reality of it is, it makes it really awkward when you have hit your mid to late thirties and the new going out, is the new staying in and cooking like you’re all competing for Come Dine With Me. Even the invitations to days out with the kids as a family begin to drop off as it’s just me with the kids on the weekends that I have them, and some girlfriends begin to feel awkward as they want their husbands to join them and think it may make me feel awkward. It doesn’t at all, I value every friendship I have, including those I had in marriage and in reality, it’s not any different to how was back then when I was married!

I’m not trying to sound ungrateful here or play the “my life Is harder than yours” card, as we all have our own issues and I certainly don’t take my friendships for granted and I certainly don’t think life revolves around me, I’m simply saying that there comes a time when it hits you that you are facing the reality of life as the single friend, and to married couples with young families, you are seen to have a different & new reality.

My reality is now juggling a full-time job, my beautiful RugRats and all their social activities and hobbies and running a home and not having someone to sound off to at the end of the day, apart from the dog! In amongst that, I am trying to date!  Yes I said the other “D” word!  God almighty, this raises another topic of discussion that generally includes you but is never spoken in front of you, just that you know it has been discussed, when you get to that long awaited catch up and a few drinks have been had and it is let slip what a mutual friends concerns are that you are dating and your choice of (dare I use this term) partner has been fully discussed & dissected at length.  Again, I hate to sound like I am being ungrateful, & I love my friends dearly, but can you imagine how it feels a little disheartening that somehow you have entered this realm of reality that when you become the divorcee or that single friend, it feels that some people (& this includes family) take it as an invitation to express their opinion on your life choices, as clearly I have made totally shit ones before and in their minds they really are trying to help.

It’s not just me though, I have friends who feel exactly the same way who are single and haven’t had kids or been married before. The sad thing is, when I have chatted with these friends, it seems that like me, they yearn for inclusion and it feels quite isolating when you learn of other friends being invited to social events and you haven’t been included as it was deemed as “all couples”.

I get it, I do & I know it comes from a good place generally, but the reality of it is that I am hard on myself as it is……I just feel doubly shit knowing that I am being judged by others too & it only deems to make a friendship feel awkward  & that makes me recoil!  I can honestly say, I would never sit with my friends and judge their relationship choices, let alone voice it.  We are all grown ups and we make our own choices in life and if that is with someone we wouldn’t be with ourselves, then that doesn’t mean it is the wrong choice for them. The same goes for the career paths we take or the decisions on new purchases. Everyone is entitled to make a decision without being judged and measured against the social measures that are constantly being placed, especially now in the age of Facebook and Instagram.

I have watched a lot of friends through the years navigate through their different relationships, whether it be family, romantic, friends or work colleagues and we have had many a deep & meaningful chats over a few G&Ts about the individual complexities each of these can throw in our way, but what I have learnt through my own experiences, is never to assume and try not to judge.  We all have our own shit going on & there will be fall outs and make ups along the way, but I will never ever openly judge or voice a judgement, as to be fair, we all judge, but some do without hesitation and we need to all learn that lives can be so complex at times and everyone is allowed to change their minds otherwise you look at life in black and white and if you do, you never open yourself up for change. Sometimes change may not feel a positive experience at the time, but it will do at some point, as without change, you will never experience new opportunities.

I have always valued the friendships I have & I do not mind admitting that I have been hurt in the past when I have realised that other friends may not hold the same value in our friendship, but as I have blogged before, as I have grown older, I know that friendships ebb and flow and sometimes you may be closer to some over others & then it can change again, but it doesn’t mean I value that person any less.

It may not surprise some of you, but I am one of those people who Google’s the crap out of stuff and I have to admit, I have googled the hell out of divorce and friendships when I have felt any my loneliest and lowest. I came across some brilliant blogs and a lot of on Huffington Post. It would seem I’m not alone in my thoughts and there are pages and pages of blogs where we’re pouring our hearts out on the effects of divorce. In fact the Huffington Post has a whole section on it!

I have also taken great comfort from a blogger called Jackie Pilossoph and she wrote a great article on the issue of divorce and friendships and articulates my experiences much better than I can in her post “Divorce and Friendships: It’s Complicated”. In it she says:

I think that when it comes to divorce and friendships, you lose some friends because of the divorce, but you make new friends, or people you didn’t know very well become good friends. Throughout our lives, friends come in and out of our worlds, and it largely depends on our circumstances and how much we have in common with those people.

So this year, I kept myself out of the world of blogging as I feared I was being judged but I kept a little diary to help me process my feelings whilst I did this and I know that writing makes me feel better and I may not be up there in the heady heights of your published bloggers, but I can’t help but feel it is time to put my toes back into the world of blogging (most people would say feet, but I am incapable of walking on the whole of my feet and choose to tiptoe) and see if I can put the world to rights. Some of you might think I’m moaning and some of you might judge me for publicising my private life but if that makes you sleep at night, go ahead, I don’t judge you, after all, I’m just like you. I am winging it every day like everyone else and trying to be a good mummy, a good daughter, a good friend or a co-worker. Just like you, I’m constantly working on myself, fighting my own demons, sometimes I win them, sometimes I lose, but at the end of the day, I really am just like you so let’s all start being easier on ourselves. If you can’t be then get a dog, I can highly recommend it and they are amazing for boosting your emotional well-being.

xXx TTFN xXx

Goodbye 2016….Hello 2017

c5ad4eca6a7b625c3a94e42896095537The last 2 months have been busy…..we have a puppy!  He is gorgeous and everything that I wanted from getting him has proven to be the right decision we made in our little family.  He gives the three of us unconditional love and he is a massive help when the RugRats are not around.  It has only been since Christmas that he has been street legal as we have waited for his vaccinations, so the real fun is only just beginning.

I have to say, I have always been anxious around Christmas and New Year…..it always meant upset for me, with one thing or another over the last few years and fills me with trepidation even now.  I hope over the years this changes and I begin to be able to relax…..although when you are a single mum, it brings on a whole new level of anxiety……making sure you can afford the nice things for the RugRats at a special time and please family and friends along the way.

It is also a whole year and a bit that I am classed as officially divorced…..and tonight I find myself looking back on the last year again and wondering if I have done the best for my RugRats.  I only ever want to make sure they are happy and feel safe, first and foremost. I think I have done ok, but time will tell.  I have just waved them off tonight with their Dad; they are off to a party with him and his family.  They looked excited and happy to go….that makes me happy but I would be lying if I pretended I was ok.  I shut the door and an overwhelming sense of sadness came upon me like a sudden wave and from nowhere I found myself crying.  I will miss giving them a happy new year kiss tonight.

My night hasn’t really gone to plan and I am now descending on some friends as they didn’t like the thought of me being on my own.  I feel like a burden sometimes to some friends and that makes me feel uncomfortable.  New Year can be amazing for some people, but for me, I have always struggled with it and the whole awkwardness of midnight and that thing that you should be doing of kissing and hugging your loved ones.  Yes, as someone who finds herself single at 35 with 2 kids, that is awkward.

I think next year might be the year I plan to take the RugRats away so we can concentrate being on holiday rather than all the expectations New Years Eve brings…maybe that should be my plan for 2017!

So as I reflect on the year that has gone by, I realise that we are ok…..I still have a roof over our heads, we have our health and there are already some lovely things I have panned with and without the RugRats for 2017.  I have come to realise that I cannot rely on friends all the time, as they have their own lives and I need to build my own life and meet new people on my own terms as a single mum.  I am not going to make any resolutions, as I think I always reflect and look at what I need to do over the year.

So for now, I wave goodbye to 2016 and wish everyone a happy, healthy and lucky 2017 ahead.  Big shout out to all the single mums who are just trying to keep their shit together and still manage to smile.  I’m off to listen to Jools Holland on the telly and I cannot wait to get the RugRats back to start our 2017 adventures tomorrow.  Checking out for now.



Love yourself

debccc4a57faa485499e67dc78e646faI am on the heady decent of a good weekend spent with my RugRats and family, rocketing in to a working week that does not include the RugRats.  Half term is upon us and I have mopped up sick, done 50 loads of washing and put in full-time working hours and more, even before it started.

I feared that the weekend gone would be a wash out and I had planned a very exciting weekend at that.  I packed our things and crossed fingers for no more sick…..we went to London baby.  I can’t say it any other way; Austin Powers has a lot to answer.

We had such a busy weekend and it is true when they say “change is as good as a rest”. We trotted round London doing all the touristy things you do.  London Eye…..Shrek tour…..Tower Bridge……..The Monument…….we conquered all the steps and then littlest pronounced she needed “a weeeeeeeeeeeeee”, standard.  We conquered, we saw and I soaked up the look on the RugRats little faces as we ventured London together for their first trip.  Their little faces always make me smile.  I  adore them and I want to cling on to all their sweet innocence,  as these days it never seems to last that long.

We had a little break at Wahaca at the Embankment (highly recommended) and as we sat there with my cousin and her boyfriend, we were revelling in all that we had done that morning and we sat planning the night ahead where more family were joining us for dinner, back at the ranch.  I was asking if my other cousins girlfriend was coming and we got excited as this would be the first time we got to meet her.  The RugRats are very nosey you see and some 2 years they had waited to meet their Uncles girlfriend….so much excitement was displayed at this moment.  The boy suddenly went quiet and I asked him if he was ok as he said…..”oh no……..” and I asked him if he was okay and his response knocked me sideways….”well you’ll be the only one there with no one to love Mummy.”  A mix of emotions were felt in one split second and I had to give my head a little wobble and my response was, “of course Mummy does, I love all of you don’t I, and that makes us very lucky as we will be with people we love”……”But you don’t have a husband or a man to love though mummy”……..you see where I am going with this??  There we so many responses I could have to this and all of them would blow my 8 year olds mind, so for him I settled with “that doesn’t matter to me, I am not missing out at all, anyway, all that matters, is you’re with us, and we don’t need anything more”.  My cousin ensued in her amazing distraction technique and I had chance to make my quick recovery.

One simple little remark, one sentence, left me spinning and has had me thinking.  I really don’t want to be one of those mums that portrays the message that you can only be happy if you have a partner.  I am not going to launch into couple bashing, as for one, it is completely negative and it is not what I am about at all, but I have a heightened awareness that my RugRats should not grow up thinking you need a partner to make you happy.  I want them to grow up and be comfortable in their own skin and I want The Boy to know that he doesn’t have to be a knight in shining armour and go off and rescue his Damsel In Distress, and I want my beautiful daughter to be confident and not want to be saved by a man.  I want them to define themselves.

This leaves me in a quandary.  Did I give them this first impression when I allowed them to meet my first boyfriend since my divorce?  I fear I gave them that message.  At the time, I thought I was making the right decision, but I screwed up, but do I feel I screwed up as it ended as quickly as it started?

I know I am questioning myself and I think it is only natural as I need to make sense of it.  I was upset when the relationship ended, more so due to how it happened, but also upset with myself as I had seen it coming and ignored the voice in my head, that I had promised not to after the experience of being with my ex-husband.  To add salt to the wound, things quickly spiralled out of control when the relationship ended with this person and even though he ended it, he begged me to take him back and when he didn’t get the answer he was hoping for, he didn’t stop with the incessant pleas and I feared it would never end as it began to consume each day.  When I look back, I am cross at myself as I feel I wasn’t firmer in my approach.  I have analysed the shit out of it, did I give him reason to think I would take him back, was I not firm enough and that’s why he thought it was ok to keep hounding me???

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I know that at that moment in time, when I had met this man, he came at a time I needed the distraction and what I felt was very real as well.  I was wooed with flowers, his weekly accolades of self professing love for me…….I was blown away by it all, but also found myself becoming too willing to please.  Slowly, his insecurities crept in and I found myself being moulded by his beliefs.  Luckily, that inner Alpha Female in me won the good fight and when it ended, I wasn’t scared that it was over.  I think this took him by surprise, you see, I know I am strong and independent and I know I don’t need a man to define me.  I genuinely believe that, even though I flounder every now and then, this is me, the Alpha Female and I am proud of that.  I think the kids will eventually see this, I hope they do and learn from it.

This leaves me in another quandary I find myself in.  Do I hold back on dating if it comes my way?  Some friends say to me that I need time to find myself and learn to love myself again and that I don’t need to find a man to define this.  I know this……I really do……I thought I did love myself, as if I didn’t, I would still be in a very unhappy marriage.  By actively deciding not to go on a date…..am I again falling into the trap and putting too much emphasis on my relationship status?  Do you see my dilemma now?

Some friends say to you “You need to focus on you first” with the belief that before you can share your life with someone else, you first need to know who you are, what you want, and in what direction you’re headed. Now I buy into this, I do, but I know I am not wanting to look for the next marriage material. I am not sat at home wondering why I am staying single….I know why I am single.  I chose the wrong men and I am not perfect, I make mistakes.  I do know I am not a woman who needs a man, I like to challenge and I am always upfront, but extremely loyal………now this is where I know my sticking point was challenged as I misinterpreted being loyal for allowing myself to weaken.  You see I can still be loyal and challenge or disagree with someone’s point of view and it shouldn’t  have to be the end of the world.

The thing is, I don’t feel like I have this ticking time bomb over me as I have two beautiful kids, therefore I have no biological clock looming over me.  I don’t look at everyone elses relationship statuses and take it as a competition, I don’t fear that all the good men are taken, I know I am not too picky and have learnt not to settle for anything less than I believe I deserve.  I am not looking to rush into a relationship just so i can post on Facebook that I am in a relationship, do you get my drift?  I just want to have fun, whatever form that takes.

For a short time, I thought I had lost my confidence, I allowed a situation to define me, which in turn made me overthink…..I think I am nearly out of the woods.  Life is for living (yes I really did just use that cliché) so I am going to enjoy all the plans I have and stick with them.  If a hot guy wants to take me out for a drink, then I will accept it if the offer takes my fancy, yet I will not be defined as to whether this makes me happy…..my kids make me happy, my friends make me happy, my family too and I am sure as hell not going to fall into that trap that after a few dates, I am going to post it all over Facebook and have them meet my kids…….who does that (she says tongue in cheek)??!!  Now that is a whole new blog entry to think about.

The RugRats will be good, I know this as they challenge me and as long as they challenge me, then I know they can challenge themselves for the future and hopefully my RugRats can grow into strong, independant people, with the ability to kick ass when they need to.

xXx TTFN xXx

Finding Everything And Realising

11254337_10153577995462419_1081319849480295085_nWell we are on the brink of October nearly turning into November and I can honestly say, I really don’t know where the month has gone.  Half term is nearly here……one more day……I just had one more day before the RugRats finished but we have been hit with that twatting sick bug!  The eldest sobbed into his sick bowl crying that yesterday was the worst day of his life…..bugger, he takes after his mumma for being ill, poor lad.  On a plus side, being sick was related to being the worst day of his life……I’m taking that…….having it big time in fact.  Last time I blogged I spoke of the Mummy guilt that looms over me, well this sort of makes it feel a little better that he has forgotten the day we told him Mummy & Daddy were splitting up, was the worst day of his life.

There has been a sense of doom that has hovered over me the last few days.  Had too much time to think.  I am my own worst critic and boy I have done a lot of beating myself up with the shitty stick of late.  The solid crew sniffed it out a mile though didn’t they.  Thanks you lot.  I have been hiding under a rock for the best part of a week.  I promise I will snap out of it & very grateful for the massive kick up the arse that has been needed this week.

This month has been the anniversary of the hardest point in the divorce I went through. Looking back now, I was so full of optimism but also hiding a huge sadness that lay heavily in my heart.  I don’t like to dwell and as a good friend said to me today, it’s time to close a chapter and go on to the next one.  There have been many chapters that have followed on from the one I refer to and one that I don’t feel I can talk so openly about here as it has lead to me not wanting to date for a long time.

I tried to dip my toe back in the dating scene the other day and I quickly took it out with one huge shudder and since then I haven’t been able to stop beating myself up…..well enough is enough.  I am not even sure why I did it (well I did……a woman has needs don’t you know) but I also don’t have the time or the energy to start donning my sex kitten heels (which cause absolute havoc with the age old bunion) and making the effort to make, let’s face it, that typical wedding chat you do; you know, the one where you grasp around trying to find things in common with someone, just to make the time less awkward, I just cannot be bothered.  The mojo has packed up and left the building.

May be, in time, that feeling will go away & I may be able to enjoy being taken out by a few handsome men, but for now, I want to do the things I want to do, no demands, no ties, just me and the kids and friends having a few fun adventures……………..I just have a fear I may turn into a cougar later in life……I hope to god I don’t turn into a cougar!  One of my good friends gets excited about who I will end up with and I wish I could share in her enthusiasm, but I fear my mojo may not come back.  I thought I had found my forever guy, but that was not to be the case and now I find myself floundering with a lack of confidence…..I actually can see myself recoil in horror when a guy even smiles at me…..even hot guys……..see I am doomed, doomed I tell you!

I have not been sleeping well recently.  The dreams I am having have become more and more disturbing and I have got into the habit of doing a 3am check on the RugRats, just to make sure they are ok.  The times when I don’t have the kids have been filled with trying to stay busy and I am slowly getting the house in order bit by bit.  I have been planning the shit out of the next few months and there are lots of things that we have to be excited about.  One of those things comes in the form of a fluffy little puppy……I know, I must be mental but I know it will be one of the better decisions I have made of late.  We are all excited to get him and we are all madly in love and he isn’t even home yet.  3 weeks and counting…..eeeeekkkkkkk!  So there will be a new man in my life, and this one will be stuck with me for life!  I realised that when the RugRats are not here, I can make the very easy decision to stay in bed a little longer than normal and I have the time to procrastinate more….well the little dude will not allow me to do that and it will also be very good for the kids to have some responsibility too.

I always wanted a dog.  As a little girl we had a dear beloved dog called Jenny, she was a Bearded Collie and when we lost her to cancer, it was the first time I saw my Dad cry.  The absolute loyalty she showed our family was unfathomable and I always wanted my kids to experience that love from a dog, so here I am doing it and I didn’t have to have a long debate about a family decision, hurrah!!  3 weeks and counting my house will be full of puppy toys, and little surprise packages and little piddles to clean up!  It will keep us on our toes, but boy am I looking forward to a life with a Bearded Collie again and we can stop screaming “Bearded Collie” every time we drive past one, as we’ll have our very own coming on our adventures with us.  The added bonus of having the dog is that it will keep me away from the weird world of dating as I will be busy courting our little fur ball.

I have already booked a nice little break away with our little man & the RugRats so there are lots of things to be excited about & I am looking forward to the fun filled muddy walks and the little places you get to see that you don’t normally when you walk a dog…….although I think the olds think that this dog may walk me towards a new man in my life……not quite so sure about that one right now.

I love having this blog.  It makes me realign and focus on the positives. I had been putting off writing the last few days as I felt all melancholy and what I forgot was, that making myself sit down and take time out to spill my thoughts onto the keyboard, actually does me good.  Why is that??!

I am excited though, I am really excited for Bonfire Night, I am really excited about having my solid crew round for inappropriate games and drinks, I’m excited for the dog, I am excited for Christmas and having the first year of just being me and my family and soaking up the excitement they bring.  They trotted off tonight to their Dads so happy and I closed the door and felt relief, not that they had gone, but I watched them go off happy………my Mum guilt has lightened a little, cos you know what, they are happy and I am more than ok with that. I’m so proud of them, but I am also going to give myself a big pat on the back & you know what, I DESERVE it.  So if anyone out there is exhausted and feeling fed up, just do it, pat yourself on the back if you are a single mum, keeping it real, you deserve it lady, all single parents deserve it.

I’m going to sign off and dance around to this little number (Bridget Jones stylee) whilst I get ready to see some of my crew, so TTFN for now and enjoy this little number: