The mean reds

Well I have my good and bad days and to be honest with you, I’ve felt very tearful the last few days. Like the feeling I can sort of imagine if you were lost at sea. That’s me, bobbing along, trying to keep my head above water.

I’m hoping it’s the mean reds fault as they have arrived & I’m craving chocolate and have the most horrendous spots. Everything is making me cry! You see I like to feel I have some control over my life & the RugRats lives, it makes me feel better. Don’t worry I’m not a control freak or anything, I just need order and when your soon to be ex won’t budge from the room downstairs and seems to have no plan on leaving any time soon, it gets a bit fraught. You see I’m curious to know how me & the RugRats are going to forge our way into a new routine & family life. I like to plan ahead, but right now I can’t and it panicks me.

I made a really big mistake & went to the cinema tonight….I watched Miss You Already. Big mistake, HUGE mistake. I’m still crying now. I’m now panicking as to what I would do if I ever got terminally ill, what would happen with the RugRats, how would they cope?? You see this bit didn’t really hit me till watching that….realising that you forget your own mortality and how even going through the big D changes things you tentatively thought about as a couple, if ever anything bad happened.  I’m going to have to rethink all that shit.  That stuff gives me the shivers, but I know I’m going to have to face up & sort it out, in case, God forbid, anything did happen.  I love my RugRats so so much. I’m so glad we were lucky enough to have them, I’m glad that they are here & I don’t regret a moment for the fact they are here, loving me, loving them.

Yesterday was a special day though. Yesterday I had happy tears. Part of my rock solid crew became the 2.4 family yesterday. I managed to sneek a little cuddle too. There is something completely magical about babies, they are so tiny and this blank canvas, ready to take on the world with all its life lessons. You just want them to be happy & snuggle them forever don’t you?

This baby was a little gift for my gorgeous friend. Seeing her as I walked in, so content with her newborn daughter all wrapped up & snuggled into her chest was the most beautiful sight. To see them with their new addition to their beautiful family was the best thing ever.

There’s my friend, sat there, completely knackered from the longest labour in the world (I’m not shitting you either) and she still wants to know how I’m doing. The most selfless person I know and the most caring, whitty, sharp, intelligent girl I think I have ever met.

She doesn’t like a fuss, so I won’t embarrass her, but I just hope she knows how thankful I am for all that she does & I hope she enjoys her time finding her feet with her new addition and soaking up all those precious new experiences as a family of 4.

So even though this week is turning into a roller coaster of emotions I’m going to sign off tonight with the following sentiment….

You’ve got the love

36349b188290067868ad1e6d7d92a4b0So, I decided to start this blog as my therapy and I have quietly told a few close friends. They have all agreed that this could be a good thing. I remember when I went to the solicitors to start the divorce and I remember telling my solicitor that I have verbal diarrhoea when it comes to my feelings. What you see is what you get! Seeing as I cannot sick up all my feelings to my soon to be ex husband and as I know most of my friends have their own lives to live, rather than listen to me moan every half an hour, I may as well just lay it all out in this strange world of blog.

I am learning fast who are the friends that are my rock solid crew, the ones that have seen me cry, don’t judge & hug me when I need a hug.  I also begin to learn who some people may call the “fair weather” friends and they seem to immediately look like they want the ground to swallow them up when I mention the “D” word.  I think I touched upon the point when I created this little blog, that I started the year accepting that I should not hold on to the relationships that weren’t working out, but I also realise that there are many different types of friendships & it is learning how you can put them into the little categories that all of us know we have for these friendships.

I remember that moment when I was on my way to stay with family with my two little RugRats & at that point there were only a handful of people who knew me & the soon to be ex were getting divorced (I always whisper that word when I say it….but that’s a whole different blog).  Seeing as it was all very fresh & I was still coming to terms in my own head as to what we were about to start, imagine my surprise to receive text messages, less than 4 hours into my break away, from our joint friends saying they were sorry to hear our news……..even more so knowing that the soon to be ex wouldn’t even tell his own family, but felt it was ok to send a group text to friends, without giving me a heads up.

I remember the feeling I had reading that first message I got, late at night……I wanted to vom in the nearest thing I could find to vom in……it was the moment I had dreaded to be honest.  It was less than a week in & I was on autopilot, taking the kids to holiday club, going to work, trying to work, picking kids up from holiday club, feed them tea, play games with them, take them to play dates…..all of this was done on autopilot & if you asked me what I actually did that 1st week….I could honestly not tell you coherently…..I still get upset thinking of that week as I type. I just wanted to hide from the world & wrap me & my RugRats in a big duvet & cuddle ALL the time.  So when the texts came through, my little protective bubble I had made around me & my RugRats was burst that very moment, I knew in that moment that the failure of my marriage would be being talked about in our group of friends, our relationship would be dissected & pulled apart (ironic seeing as it is broken, I know) & friends would be second guessing at why & how it all went wrong…..suddenly it wouldn’t be mine & the ex’s problem to work out, but there would be other opinions flying into the mix.

My head just wanted to explode and I was also worried I’d lose a close friend from it, my lovely, beautiful, crazy friend who was the chief bridesmaid on our wedding day & also the friend who was married to the soon to be ex’s best friend.  You see, I didn’t tell this friend as I had this overwhelming fear I’d lose her, I didn’t want her to feel she had to choose, I didn’t want to be this shit friend who went and ruined our circle of friends.  How could I broach this subject with one of my best mates, without it having a knock on effect on all that we had shared & all that we had built, in our cosy little lives?

I felt sick, as I knew she would have got that message & I needed to ring her to explain why I hadn’t told her……….but then I looked at my phone as I was driving to my escape to the country, and there it was, a message from her, my beautiful crazy friend.  I couldn’t read it as I was driving at the time, I didn’t want mum to read it to me, as I knew I’d be a mess as I read it & I didn’t want the little RugRats to see mummy cry.  I waited till I locked myself in the toilets of the motorway services and with shaking hands, I clicked on it and it took me 5 times to read it as I just cried & cried……..I won’t share that message here, as that is between me and my beautiful friend……..but in that moment, the relief was overwhelming, she didn’t hate me, she was worried about me & we agreed we would talk when I got a chance………..needless to say when we got that moment to talk, I realised this girl was part of my rock solid crew and do you know what I also realised?  That conversation was one of the most honest conversations we’d been able to have in such a long time, which in turn made me realise, that this rocky road I was setting foot on, was going to be worth it in the end.  I realised that I had been trying to be this person I wasn’t for a long time & it even became hard for me to say when this started really, how scary is that??

When I was talking to my beautiful friend, she told me to make sure I went to my friends for advise & to remember that it was okay to admit I was struggling & to stop being so proud & lean on the friends I had.  You see she knows me well; I don’t like to make a fuss (believe it or not) & I don’t like to burden people, but I am beginning to take on that advise & that is what I realise each day when I am evaluating how the day has gone.  I remember her telling me that she couldn’t be that friend who knows all about the legal shit or how to sort my finances & protect myself & get all the nitty-gritty organised, she pointed me to our other friend for that (my little fighter, an angel sent in disguise with the best potty mouth ever), but she told me she knew she had other strengths that she didn’t need to remind me of, as that is why I love her, just the way she is.

I suppose what I am trying to get at is, I love all my friends, they all have their different qualities & strengths, and I love the different dimensions they bring to my life and the RugRats life; even the fair weather friends.  I accept that this won’t be easy for some of my friends and I accept that there will be some casualties along the way, but that doesn’t worry me, as I know that when I am near the end of the “D” journey, it won’t matter to me how many friends I have, as I know who the important ones are and that makes me smile, really smile.  Even in these early stages, I already see that some friendships may even become stronger now, then they ever had been. I accept you all, warts and all, because that’s what makes life fun right??! So for all my friends, the song that feels appropriate for my mood right now, is especially for you, I love you all for your different reasons, just as special as each other.

xXx TTFN xXx

When life throws you a curve ball……blog

So today was the day that I decided to bite the bullet & start a blog.  Some may wonder why……well back in August I was thrown a curve ball……my marriage was over.  There, I have said it!  That wasn’t so hard actually!

Not many people know & keeping my private life private in the workplace is quite hard to do when you are going through a huge life change.  I was talking to close friends & it became obvious that a good way to refocus & get a sense of who “me” was, was to do something I have not done for a long time….write and these days the best way to write would be to blog it!

So here I am.  I am blogging & this is my first post!  One day I may even let my two littlies read it, but for now I will share my journey here & lets see what I can come up with!