Finding Everything And Realising

11254337_10153577995462419_1081319849480295085_nWell we are on the brink of October nearly turning into November and I can honestly say, I really don’t know where the month has gone.  Half term is nearly here……one more day……I just had one more day before the RugRats finished but we have been hit with that twatting sick bug!  The eldest sobbed into his sick bowl crying that yesterday was the worst day of his life…..bugger, he takes after his mumma for being ill, poor lad.  On a plus side, being sick was related to being the worst day of his life……I’m taking that…….having it big time in fact.  Last time I blogged I spoke of the Mummy guilt that looms over me, well this sort of makes it feel a little better that he has forgotten the day we told him Mummy & Daddy were splitting up, was the worst day of his life.

There has been a sense of doom that has hovered over me the last few days.  Had too much time to think.  I am my own worst critic and boy I have done a lot of beating myself up with the shitty stick of late.  The solid crew sniffed it out a mile though didn’t they.  Thanks you lot.  I have been hiding under a rock for the best part of a week.  I promise I will snap out of it & very grateful for the massive kick up the arse that has been needed this week.

This month has been the anniversary of the hardest point in the divorce I went through. Looking back now, I was so full of optimism but also hiding a huge sadness that lay heavily in my heart.  I don’t like to dwell and as a good friend said to me today, it’s time to close a chapter and go on to the next one.  There have been many chapters that have followed on from the one I refer to and one that I don’t feel I can talk so openly about here as it has lead to me not wanting to date for a long time.

I tried to dip my toe back in the dating scene the other day and I quickly took it out with one huge shudder and since then I haven’t been able to stop beating myself up…..well enough is enough.  I am not even sure why I did it (well I did……a woman has needs don’t you know) but I also don’t have the time or the energy to start donning my sex kitten heels (which cause absolute havoc with the age old bunion) and making the effort to make, let’s face it, that typical wedding chat you do; you know, the one where you grasp around trying to find things in common with someone, just to make the time less awkward, I just cannot be bothered.  The mojo has packed up and left the building.

May be, in time, that feeling will go away & I may be able to enjoy being taken out by a few handsome men, but for now, I want to do the things I want to do, no demands, no ties, just me and the kids and friends having a few fun adventures……………..I just have a fear I may turn into a cougar later in life……I hope to god I don’t turn into a cougar!  One of my good friends gets excited about who I will end up with and I wish I could share in her enthusiasm, but I fear my mojo may not come back.  I thought I had found my forever guy, but that was not to be the case and now I find myself floundering with a lack of confidence…..I actually can see myself recoil in horror when a guy even smiles at me…..even hot guys……..see I am doomed, doomed I tell you!

I have not been sleeping well recently.  The dreams I am having have become more and more disturbing and I have got into the habit of doing a 3am check on the RugRats, just to make sure they are ok.  The times when I don’t have the kids have been filled with trying to stay busy and I am slowly getting the house in order bit by bit.  I have been planning the shit out of the next few months and there are lots of things that we have to be excited about.  One of those things comes in the form of a fluffy little puppy……I know, I must be mental but I know it will be one of the better decisions I have made of late.  We are all excited to get him and we are all madly in love and he isn’t even home yet.  3 weeks and counting…..eeeeekkkkkkk!  So there will be a new man in my life, and this one will be stuck with me for life!  I realised that when the RugRats are not here, I can make the very easy decision to stay in bed a little longer than normal and I have the time to procrastinate more….well the little dude will not allow me to do that and it will also be very good for the kids to have some responsibility too.

I always wanted a dog.  As a little girl we had a dear beloved dog called Jenny, she was a Bearded Collie and when we lost her to cancer, it was the first time I saw my Dad cry.  The absolute loyalty she showed our family was unfathomable and I always wanted my kids to experience that love from a dog, so here I am doing it and I didn’t have to have a long debate about a family decision, hurrah!!  3 weeks and counting my house will be full of puppy toys, and little surprise packages and little piddles to clean up!  It will keep us on our toes, but boy am I looking forward to a life with a Bearded Collie again and we can stop screaming “Bearded Collie” every time we drive past one, as we’ll have our very own coming on our adventures with us.  The added bonus of having the dog is that it will keep me away from the weird world of dating as I will be busy courting our little fur ball.

I have already booked a nice little break away with our little man & the RugRats so there are lots of things to be excited about & I am looking forward to the fun filled muddy walks and the little places you get to see that you don’t normally when you walk a dog…….although I think the olds think that this dog may walk me towards a new man in my life……not quite so sure about that one right now.

I love having this blog.  It makes me realign and focus on the positives. I had been putting off writing the last few days as I felt all melancholy and what I forgot was, that making myself sit down and take time out to spill my thoughts onto the keyboard, actually does me good.  Why is that??!

I am excited though, I am really excited for Bonfire Night, I am really excited about having my solid crew round for inappropriate games and drinks, I’m excited for the dog, I am excited for Christmas and having the first year of just being me and my family and soaking up the excitement they bring.  They trotted off tonight to their Dads so happy and I closed the door and felt relief, not that they had gone, but I watched them go off happy………my Mum guilt has lightened a little, cos you know what, they are happy and I am more than ok with that. I’m so proud of them, but I am also going to give myself a big pat on the back & you know what, I DESERVE it.  So if anyone out there is exhausted and feeling fed up, just do it, pat yourself on the back if you are a single mum, keeping it real, you deserve it lady, all single parents deserve it.

I’m going to sign off and dance around to this little number (Bridget Jones stylee) whilst I get ready to see some of my crew, so TTFN for now and enjoy this little number:

 

 

 

 

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