The last 2 months have been busy…..we have a puppy! He is gorgeous and everything that I wanted from getting him has proven to be the right decision we made in our little family. He gives the three of us unconditional love and he is a massive help when the RugRats are not around. It has only been since Christmas that he has been street legal as we have waited for his vaccinations, so the real fun is only just beginning.
I have to say, I have always been anxious around Christmas and New Year…..it always meant upset for me, with one thing or another over the last few years and fills me with trepidation even now. I hope over the years this changes and I begin to be able to relax…..although when you are a single mum, it brings on a whole new level of anxiety……making sure you can afford the nice things for the RugRats at a special time and please family and friends along the way.
It is also a whole year and a bit that I am classed as officially divorced…..and tonight I find myself looking back on the last year again and wondering if I have done the best for my RugRats. I only ever want to make sure they are happy and feel safe, first and foremost. I think I have done ok, but time will tell. I have just waved them off tonight with their Dad; they are off to a party with him and his family. They looked excited and happy to go….that makes me happy but I would be lying if I pretended I was ok. I shut the door and an overwhelming sense of sadness came upon me like a sudden wave and from nowhere I found myself crying. I will miss giving them a happy new year kiss tonight.
My night hasn’t really gone to plan and I am now descending on some friends as they didn’t like the thought of me being on my own. I feel like a burden sometimes to some friends and that makes me feel uncomfortable. New Year can be amazing for some people, but for me, I have always struggled with it and the whole awkwardness of midnight and that thing that you should be doing of kissing and hugging your loved ones. Yes, as someone who finds herself single at 35 with 2 kids, that is awkward.
I think next year might be the year I plan to take the RugRats away so we can concentrate being on holiday rather than all the expectations New Years Eve brings…maybe that should be my plan for 2017!
So as I reflect on the year that has gone by, I realise that we are ok…..I still have a roof over our heads, we have our health and there are already some lovely things I have panned with and without the RugRats for 2017. I have come to realise that I cannot rely on friends all the time, as they have their own lives and I need to build my own life and meet new people on my own terms as a single mum. I am not going to make any resolutions, as I think I always reflect and look at what I need to do over the year.
So for now, I wave goodbye to 2016 and wish everyone a happy, healthy and lucky 2017 ahead. Big shout out to all the single mums who are just trying to keep their shit together and still manage to smile. I’m off to listen to Jools Holland on the telly and I cannot wait to get the RugRats back to start our 2017 adventures tomorrow. Checking out for now.