Happiness is…

It’s Good Friday and we have been forecast snow for this weekend.

I have been woken by an excited RugRat expecting the Easter Bunny to have arrived but mummy bunny has been working until late most nights and forgot to put the eggs out before they go off to their dads tonight.

I have a long weekend without them and it seems like it will be a long one if we have snow. I love getting out with the fluffy beast and I am desperate to get back into my running. I need the boost and the headspace it gives me. I quite like running on my own, I actually have grown to like my own company and worry I am becoming a bit of a recluse!

I have hinted in the past that I’ve had some upset with family relationships on top of a divorce. I have spent a long time blaming myself and tearing myself apart wondering what I could have done differently. Point is, I have come to realise that whilst I have ownership of my response and behaviour, it’s a two way street. That’s taken some time and some pretty intense therapy to feel comfortable with that.

I have learnt a lot about myself more in the last few months than I had allowed myself in the last 4 years. It wasn’t until I actually looked back and realised I had been through a lot of upset & experiences that I had just buried & those experiences were raising their ugly heads all at once. I knew I had to face them head on. Now I feel calm and I feel I can actually trust my instinct and not question it as I have been doing for a while. Most importantly, I have learnt to stop pleasing everyone else, drown out the noise and do things for myself without the conflicting counsel from others.

I’m not saying we don’t need to talk with our closest, but everyone has differing opinions & essentially you have to deal with things in your own way, at you own pace and ensure that you really are doing things that you feel comfortable with, not what you think others want you to do, that is not the key to happiness…..actually it will only result in anxiety & constant questioning of yourself. A good support network lets you be you and is there to comfort you when the chips are down without the “told you so” speeches.

So I am going to spend this weekend catching up with friends, trying to dodge snow and get my house in order ready for juggling Easter holidays with work & RugRats. I will think of loved ones, miss the ones I can’t be with, but essentially, be grateful for the little things as actually, I may feel I’m winging it most days, but I’m no different to everyone else. I am just going to enjoy the experiences and hope those that have left my life for whatever reason, are happy & healthy too.

Happy Easter ❤️

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Where is Spring?

It’s the middle of March & I am sat at home with a humongous hangover taking comfort with my fluffy dog and a blanket watching the snow come down.  Apparently this is the smaller version of the Beast of The East & quite frankly it can bloody well stop now!

I had plans for this weekend to be productive but it isn’t looking too good & I have been patiently waiting for the sun as it is the excuse I have been waiting for to come out of hibernation.  I am going to be honest & admit that I have struggled this winter, I have allowed myself, for the first time in a long time, to succumb my mood & mental wellbeing to match the grey skies and dark days.  I was beating myself up for that too……in fact I found I became an amazing critic of myself and held back no punches & I have promised myself, with some help, to put a stop to that.  There is no quick fix, it will take time but I am proud of myself for having to courage to recognise it and own it.

My last blog was about kindness and communication, yet what we all need to ensure is how to be kind to ourselves.  A friend reminded me of this the other day with a post from French Toasts Instagram page.

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It resonates with me on so many levels and it is a good reminder that even when you feel like you have had the crappiest of days, you can start again tomorrow & you shouldn’t beat yourself up for that.  I am also very lucky to have a mum who will not let me forget this either.  This week has really been a case of Mums know best & I hope my children will have the same strong relationship with me as they grow up.  After having a really crappy week, my Mum made me refocus on the positives, so I will remind myself:

  • I have a beautiful home that I share with my RugRats and fluffy dog
  • I am a full time working mum & still manage to get most shit done
  • My children feel loved & secure
  • I may be a moody shit at times, but I know when to say sorry & more importantly MEAN it
  • I have a strong relationship with my parents & I know they love me
  • I have people around me that love me even though I feel lonely sometimes, we all suffer that at times & I handle it
  • Even when I feel wronged, I ALWAYS forgive
  • I am fiercely loyal
  • I am actually good at my job, even with all the plates spinning
  • I have a strong work ethic
  • I know when to ask for help
  • I am emotional. Some people may think that’s a weakness but I now recognise it as a strength & I am owning it!
  • Even when I am sad, I find the strength to smile & love to make others smile
  • I managed to navigate a divorce & stay dignified
  • I am proud to be in a place with my ex where we share parenting with no drama
  • I am still able to go on holidays and spend quality time with or without my children
  • I feel comfortable in my own company
  • I can be firm but fair
  • I can laugh at myself
  • I love with all my heart

Truthfully, I was encouraged to do a full SWOT analysis on myself this week, some of it was quite brutal but it also made me focus & it also taught me that although I was beating myself up and questioning myself whether I truly did have self awareness, it reaffirmed that I do & I am not saying you should never allow yourself to make mistakes, it’s human and it should be seen as a positive rather than a negative that you recognise when you make mistakes & most importantly how you rectify them.  The only downside is when you do them in your relationships with the people in your lives, you need them to reciprocate this in certain instances & this is why life can become so messy as some of us fight and some of us fly.  Most importantly, and this is the biggy, never lose yourself trying to make others see their part in a situation, when they just don’t want to see it.

So I am going to use this weeks lesson & I am going to push myself out of my comfort zone & wrap up warm and watch my fluffy dog eat snow and cock his leg at every upright thing he passes & laugh even though I want to wallow & whinge about where the bloody sun is.  See, I am trying!