Love yourself

debccc4a57faa485499e67dc78e646faI am on the heady decent of a good weekend spent with my RugRats and family, rocketing in to a working week that does not include the RugRats.  Half term is upon us and I have mopped up sick, done 50 loads of washing and put in full-time working hours and more, even before it started.

I feared that the weekend gone would be a wash out and I had planned a very exciting weekend at that.  I packed our things and crossed fingers for no more sick…..we went to London baby.  I can’t say it any other way; Austin Powers has a lot to answer.

We had such a busy weekend and it is true when they say “change is as good as a rest”. We trotted round London doing all the touristy things you do.  London Eye…..Shrek tour…..Tower Bridge……..The Monument…….we conquered all the steps and then littlest pronounced she needed “a weeeeeeeeeeeeee”, standard.  We conquered, we saw and I soaked up the look on the RugRats little faces as we ventured London together for their first trip.  Their little faces always make me smile.  I  adore them and I want to cling on to all their sweet innocence,  as these days it never seems to last that long.

We had a little break at Wahaca at the Embankment (highly recommended) and as we sat there with my cousin and her boyfriend, we were revelling in all that we had done that morning and we sat planning the night ahead where more family were joining us for dinner, back at the ranch.  I was asking if my other cousins girlfriend was coming and we got excited as this would be the first time we got to meet her.  The RugRats are very nosey you see and some 2 years they had waited to meet their Uncles girlfriend….so much excitement was displayed at this moment.  The boy suddenly went quiet and I asked him if he was ok as he said…..”oh no……..” and I asked him if he was okay and his response knocked me sideways….”well you’ll be the only one there with no one to love Mummy.”  A mix of emotions were felt in one split second and I had to give my head a little wobble and my response was, “of course Mummy does, I love all of you don’t I, and that makes us very lucky as we will be with people we love”……”But you don’t have a husband or a man to love though mummy”……..you see where I am going with this??  There we so many responses I could have to this and all of them would blow my 8 year olds mind, so for him I settled with “that doesn’t matter to me, I am not missing out at all, anyway, all that matters, is you’re with us, and we don’t need anything more”.  My cousin ensued in her amazing distraction technique and I had chance to make my quick recovery.

One simple little remark, one sentence, left me spinning and has had me thinking.  I really don’t want to be one of those mums that portrays the message that you can only be happy if you have a partner.  I am not going to launch into couple bashing, as for one, it is completely negative and it is not what I am about at all, but I have a heightened awareness that my RugRats should not grow up thinking you need a partner to make you happy.  I want them to grow up and be comfortable in their own skin and I want The Boy to know that he doesn’t have to be a knight in shining armour and go off and rescue his Damsel In Distress, and I want my beautiful daughter to be confident and not want to be saved by a man.  I want them to define themselves.

This leaves me in a quandary.  Did I give them this first impression when I allowed them to meet my first boyfriend since my divorce?  I fear I gave them that message.  At the time, I thought I was making the right decision, but I screwed up, but do I feel I screwed up as it ended as quickly as it started?

I know I am questioning myself and I think it is only natural as I need to make sense of it.  I was upset when the relationship ended, more so due to how it happened, but also upset with myself as I had seen it coming and ignored the voice in my head, that I had promised not to after the experience of being with my ex-husband.  To add salt to the wound, things quickly spiralled out of control when the relationship ended with this person and even though he ended it, he begged me to take him back and when he didn’t get the answer he was hoping for, he didn’t stop with the incessant pleas and I feared it would never end as it began to consume each day.  When I look back, I am cross at myself as I feel I wasn’t firmer in my approach.  I have analysed the shit out of it, did I give him reason to think I would take him back, was I not firm enough and that’s why he thought it was ok to keep hounding me???

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I know that at that moment in time, when I had met this man, he came at a time I needed the distraction and what I felt was very real as well.  I was wooed with flowers, his weekly accolades of self professing love for me…….I was blown away by it all, but also found myself becoming too willing to please.  Slowly, his insecurities crept in and I found myself being moulded by his beliefs.  Luckily, that inner Alpha Female in me won the good fight and when it ended, I wasn’t scared that it was over.  I think this took him by surprise, you see, I know I am strong and independent and I know I don’t need a man to define me.  I genuinely believe that, even though I flounder every now and then, this is me, the Alpha Female and I am proud of that.  I think the kids will eventually see this, I hope they do and learn from it.

This leaves me in another quandary I find myself in.  Do I hold back on dating if it comes my way?  Some friends say to me that I need time to find myself and learn to love myself again and that I don’t need to find a man to define this.  I know this……I really do……I thought I did love myself, as if I didn’t, I would still be in a very unhappy marriage.  By actively deciding not to go on a date…..am I again falling into the trap and putting too much emphasis on my relationship status?  Do you see my dilemma now?

Some friends say to you “You need to focus on you first” with the belief that before you can share your life with someone else, you first need to know who you are, what you want, and in what direction you’re headed. Now I buy into this, I do, but I know I am not wanting to look for the next marriage material. I am not sat at home wondering why I am staying single….I know why I am single.  I chose the wrong men and I am not perfect, I make mistakes.  I do know I am not a woman who needs a man, I like to challenge and I am always upfront, but extremely loyal………now this is where I know my sticking point was challenged as I misinterpreted being loyal for allowing myself to weaken.  You see I can still be loyal and challenge or disagree with someone’s point of view and it shouldn’t  have to be the end of the world.

The thing is, I don’t feel like I have this ticking time bomb over me as I have two beautiful kids, therefore I have no biological clock looming over me.  I don’t look at everyone elses relationship statuses and take it as a competition, I don’t fear that all the good men are taken, I know I am not too picky and have learnt not to settle for anything less than I believe I deserve.  I am not looking to rush into a relationship just so i can post on Facebook that I am in a relationship, do you get my drift?  I just want to have fun, whatever form that takes.

For a short time, I thought I had lost my confidence, I allowed a situation to define me, which in turn made me overthink…..I think I am nearly out of the woods.  Life is for living (yes I really did just use that cliché) so I am going to enjoy all the plans I have and stick with them.  If a hot guy wants to take me out for a drink, then I will accept it if the offer takes my fancy, yet I will not be defined as to whether this makes me happy…..my kids make me happy, my friends make me happy, my family too and I am sure as hell not going to fall into that trap that after a few dates, I am going to post it all over Facebook and have them meet my kids…….who does that (she says tongue in cheek)??!!  Now that is a whole new blog entry to think about.

The RugRats will be good, I know this as they challenge me and as long as they challenge me, then I know they can challenge themselves for the future and hopefully my RugRats can grow into strong, independant people, with the ability to kick ass when they need to.

xXx TTFN xXx