So sitting here and reading my first posts has made me realise just how fast things change. When I last blogged, I was on a massive roller coaster of emotions. I was trying to work out how to handle a divorce and how to keep my little rugrats happy, whilst they were experiencing a massive shake up from their mummy and daddy divorcing.
I spent from the hours of 3 to 7 trying to act as if everything was just as normal as it could be. I had to, for the sake of my little rugrats. They needed some form of normality in the midst of a divorce, which turned bitter. My now ex husband (that feels so good) decided he would stay in the house right up until the end of November, whilst we exchanged words of war between solicitors. They say you never know someone truly until you experience divorce…..you really don’t! What he couldn’t see or refused to admit, that no matter how he pretended to be civil in front of our gorgeous creations; the innocent angels saw through this and picked up on the underlying tension between us. That, for my eldest, will take some time to heal from. His main fear now are arguments and runs as fast as he can when he perceives tension. That, as a mummy, I find hard to process. No child should experience that, if it can be avoided. My ex could have avoided that as he had a bolt hole to go to. Instead, he chose to play the mental war tactics and smoke me out to gain the best financial settlement he could.
To be honest, as long as I was able to keep some continuity for the rugrats, in terms of being able to stay in the family home and do what is fair, I wasn’t that bothered. My priority was and always will be my children. Sadly, this wasn’t the same for my ex. The words “once we have agreed on a financial settlement, my attention will turn to the children” appeared on an email after I was begging him for some feedback on my proposals about co parenting, I was reeling…..to be frank, I still am.
I had made peace with divorcing, I was nervously excited about where life would take me next, but when you realise that you are trying to negotiate and always will have to negotiate with a narcissist, you suddenly get smacked in the face with the difficulty you will always have to face, as you share two children…….that never ever goes away. Now I find myself trying to make peace with this realisation.
For me, sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a seamless negotiation when it comes to our children. I can try to change my behaviour in any way which possible to help the situation, but that will mean bugger all if the other person is hell-bent on just trying to be awkward with you and not focus on what is right for 2 small people.
I hold my breath, but I fear it may be pointless. That makes me sad.
What I never saw coming, well not so soon, was meeting someone special…..yes I did!!! When I started this blog, it was after chatting to an old uni friend. I’d shared a few personal fears with him…..one of these was getting back on the saddle!! I realised early on in the process of my divorce, that I’d been so busy losing myself by loving others, I had forgotten what was important to me. He got me questioning myself again….back at uni, I left so sure of what and who I wanted to be. I had a vision of how I saw a relationship being too.
After having a few midnight chats and lots of sleepless nights, I wrote a list of what I would and wouldn’t compromise on within a relationship. This friend encouraged me that to go out dating would help me get back on the saddle. A few wines later, one night with my cousin, gave me the Dutch courage I needed and I entered the world of online dating!
At first, I was intrigued as this never really was a part of my dating repartee back in the day! Back in my day, we went to bars and nightclubs where we proceeded to get tipsy and flirt outrageously with men we fancy. Suddenly I had entered the world that seemed to be completely alien to me. I mean has it really come down to this? Swipe left if he’s a minger and swipe right if he’s fit?!! Apparently so!!
A month in and I realised that there were a lot of married men on there who were evidently not bothered to admit they were and were after one thing only……and no, I’m not talking about intellectual chat….some of the things I was sent and saw, still has me wincing now….but oh so funny!
My cousin had been dancing around with the world of online dating for some time and I confided in her that I found it all really daunting…..how on earth were you ever meant to meet a lifelong partner on a site that seemed to be more about physical attraction and one night stands. Being a mum of two, I didn’t have the time for all that…..I also didn’t want to be sleeping around and putting myself in compromising situations as a mum.
I was about to delete my profile after having a little wobble and on my way to refuge in hotter climates with my parents when I spotted a profile…..he had this amazing smile which instantly peaked my interest….I read his bio….sporty, sense of humour….and that all important point that came on my list of priorities when considering who I wanted to date……. A family man! So I thought, sod it…..then swiped right, just to throw that last shake of the dice before I gave up on the alien world of online dating……holy shit…..”YOU HAVE A MATCH” flashed up once more on my screen…..it was the family man…..now this is where it gets tricky in the world of online dating…..who makes that first move of sending a message? So going with the mood I was in at that moment, I decided I had nothing to lose but make that first move; after all, I was off on holiday for a week with the rugrats the next morning, I had nothing to lose.
Well, you know how the saying goes, “and the rest is history”…..well it is! I find myself in a relationship with a man who has the most beautiful heart, a glowing soul and he ticks all those important things I once set off life from uni hoping I would find in a loving relationship.
Sitting here now, writing this, especially after reading my last blog entries, seems like a lifetime ago and I am still pinching myself.
What I do know is, I have learnt from the breakup of a relationship. I have learnt never to take anything or anyone for granted. I also believe that sometimes in life, you’re damned if you do and you’re dammed if you don’t, so you may as well do what makes you happy….but not at the cost of others! I have gone into this relationship with my eyes wide open and with the confidence to start off by being as honest with my hopes and dreams, this in turn with the hope it stands us in good stead for our new future together.
There is so much to catch up on since my last blog and I can’t cover it in one entry…..it would be a huge entry and anyone would lose the will to live reading it all in one go. So this is where I begin again and I’m sure there will be many moments I share…..but for now good night and God bless……I’m off to date my new man via the powers of FaceTime…….the things you do when you juggle dating and children !