192 days…..lots change in those days

img_2931So sitting here and reading my first posts has made me realise just how fast things change. When I last blogged, I was on a massive roller coaster of emotions. I was trying to work out how to handle a divorce and how to keep my little rugrats happy, whilst they were experiencing a massive shake up from their mummy and daddy divorcing.

I spent from the hours of 3 to 7 trying to act as if everything was just as normal as it could be. I had to, for the sake of my little rugrats. They needed some form of normality in the midst of a divorce, which turned bitter. My now ex husband (that feels so good) decided he would stay in the house right up until the end of November, whilst we exchanged words of war between solicitors. They say you never know someone truly until you experience divorce…..you really don’t! What he couldn’t see or refused to admit, that no matter how he pretended to be civil in front of our gorgeous creations; the innocent angels saw through this and picked up on the underlying tension between us. That, for my eldest, will take some time to heal from. His main fear now are arguments and runs as fast as he can when he perceives tension.  That, as a mummy, I find hard to process. No child should experience that, if it can be avoided. My ex could have avoided that as he had a bolt hole to go to. Instead, he chose to play the mental war tactics and smoke me out to gain the best financial settlement he could.

To be honest, as long as I was able to keep some continuity for the rugrats, in terms of being able to stay in the family home and do what is fair, I wasn’t that bothered. My priority was and always will be my children. Sadly, this wasn’t the same for my ex. The words “once we have agreed on a financial settlement, my attention will turn to the children” appeared on an email after I was begging him for some feedback on my proposals about co parenting, I was reeling…..to be frank, I still am.

I had made peace with divorcing, I was nervously excited about where life would take me next, but when you realise that you are trying to negotiate and always will have to negotiate with a narcissist, you suddenly get smacked in the face with the difficulty you will always have to face, as you share two children…….that never ever goes away. Now I find myself trying to make peace with this realisation.

For me, sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a seamless negotiation when it comes to our children. I can try to change my behaviour in any way which possible to help the situation, but that will mean bugger all if the other person is hell-bent on just trying to be awkward with you and not focus on what is right for 2 small people.
I hold my breath, but I fear it may be pointless. That makes me sad.

What I never saw coming, well not so soon, was meeting someone special…..yes I did!!! When I started this blog, it was after chatting to an old uni friend. I’d shared a few personal fears with him…..one of these was getting back on the saddle!! I realised early on in the process of my divorce, that I’d been so busy losing myself by loving others, I had forgotten what was important to me. He got me questioning myself again….back at uni, I left so sure of what and who I wanted to be. I had a vision of how I saw a relationship being too.

After having a few midnight chats and lots of sleepless nights, I wrote a list of what I would and wouldn’t compromise on within a relationship. This friend encouraged me that to go out dating would help me get back on the saddle.  A few wines later, one night with my cousin, gave me the Dutch courage I needed and I entered the world of online dating!

At first, I was intrigued as this never really was a part of my dating repartee back in the day! Back in my day, we went to bars and nightclubs where we proceeded to get tipsy and flirt outrageously with men we fancy.  Suddenly I had entered the world that seemed to be completely alien to me. I mean has it really come down to this? Swipe left if he’s a minger and swipe right if he’s fit?!! Apparently so!!

A month in and I realised that there were a lot of married men on there who were evidently not bothered to admit they were and were after one thing only……and no, I’m not talking about intellectual chat….some of the things I was sent and saw, still has me wincing now….but oh so funny!

My cousin had been dancing around with the world of online dating for some time and I confided in her that I found it all really daunting…..how on earth were you ever meant to meet a lifelong partner on a site that seemed to be more about physical attraction and one night stands. Being a mum of two, I didn’t have the time for all that…..I also didn’t want to be sleeping around and putting myself in compromising situations as a mum.

I was about to delete my profile after having a little wobble and on my way to refuge in hotter climates with my parents when I spotted a profile…..he had this amazing smile which instantly peaked my interest….I read his bio….sporty, sense of humour….and that all important point that came on my list of priorities when considering who I wanted to date……. A family man! So I thought, sod it…..then swiped right, just to throw that last shake of the dice before I gave up on the alien world of online dating……holy shit…..”YOU HAVE A MATCH” flashed up once more on my screen…..it was the family man…..now this is where it gets tricky in the world of online dating…..who makes that first move of sending a message? So going with the mood I was in at that moment, I decided I had nothing to lose but make that first move; after all, I was off on holiday for a week with the rugrats the next morning, I had nothing to lose.

Well, you know how the saying goes, “and the rest is history”…..well it is!  I find myself in a relationship with a man who has the most beautiful heart, a glowing soul and he ticks all those important things I once set off life from uni hoping I would find in a loving relationship.

Sitting here now, writing this, especially after reading my last blog entries, seems like a lifetime ago and I am still pinching myself.

What I do know is, I have learnt from the breakup of a relationship. I have learnt never to take anything or anyone for granted.  I also believe that sometimes in life, you’re damned if you do and you’re dammed if you don’t, so you may as well do what makes you happy….but not at the cost of others!  I have gone into this relationship with my eyes wide open and with the confidence to start off by being as honest with my hopes and dreams, this in turn with the hope it stands us in good stead for our new future together.

There is so much to catch up on since my last blog and I can’t cover it in one entry…..it would be a huge entry and anyone would lose the will to live reading it all in one go. So this is where I begin again and I’m sure there will be many moments I share…..but for now good night and God bless……I’m off to date my new man via the powers of FaceTime…….the things you do when you juggle dating and children !

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You’ve got the love

36349b188290067868ad1e6d7d92a4b0So, I decided to start this blog as my therapy and I have quietly told a few close friends. They have all agreed that this could be a good thing. I remember when I went to the solicitors to start the divorce and I remember telling my solicitor that I have verbal diarrhoea when it comes to my feelings. What you see is what you get! Seeing as I cannot sick up all my feelings to my soon to be ex husband and as I know most of my friends have their own lives to live, rather than listen to me moan every half an hour, I may as well just lay it all out in this strange world of blog.

I am learning fast who are the friends that are my rock solid crew, the ones that have seen me cry, don’t judge & hug me when I need a hug.  I also begin to learn who some people may call the “fair weather” friends and they seem to immediately look like they want the ground to swallow them up when I mention the “D” word.  I think I touched upon the point when I created this little blog, that I started the year accepting that I should not hold on to the relationships that weren’t working out, but I also realise that there are many different types of friendships & it is learning how you can put them into the little categories that all of us know we have for these friendships.

I remember that moment when I was on my way to stay with family with my two little RugRats & at that point there were only a handful of people who knew me & the soon to be ex were getting divorced (I always whisper that word when I say it….but that’s a whole different blog).  Seeing as it was all very fresh & I was still coming to terms in my own head as to what we were about to start, imagine my surprise to receive text messages, less than 4 hours into my break away, from our joint friends saying they were sorry to hear our news……..even more so knowing that the soon to be ex wouldn’t even tell his own family, but felt it was ok to send a group text to friends, without giving me a heads up.

I remember the feeling I had reading that first message I got, late at night……I wanted to vom in the nearest thing I could find to vom in……it was the moment I had dreaded to be honest.  It was less than a week in & I was on autopilot, taking the kids to holiday club, going to work, trying to work, picking kids up from holiday club, feed them tea, play games with them, take them to play dates…..all of this was done on autopilot & if you asked me what I actually did that 1st week….I could honestly not tell you coherently…..I still get upset thinking of that week as I type. I just wanted to hide from the world & wrap me & my RugRats in a big duvet & cuddle ALL the time.  So when the texts came through, my little protective bubble I had made around me & my RugRats was burst that very moment, I knew in that moment that the failure of my marriage would be being talked about in our group of friends, our relationship would be dissected & pulled apart (ironic seeing as it is broken, I know) & friends would be second guessing at why & how it all went wrong…..suddenly it wouldn’t be mine & the ex’s problem to work out, but there would be other opinions flying into the mix.

My head just wanted to explode and I was also worried I’d lose a close friend from it, my lovely, beautiful, crazy friend who was the chief bridesmaid on our wedding day & also the friend who was married to the soon to be ex’s best friend.  You see, I didn’t tell this friend as I had this overwhelming fear I’d lose her, I didn’t want her to feel she had to choose, I didn’t want to be this shit friend who went and ruined our circle of friends.  How could I broach this subject with one of my best mates, without it having a knock on effect on all that we had shared & all that we had built, in our cosy little lives?

I felt sick, as I knew she would have got that message & I needed to ring her to explain why I hadn’t told her……….but then I looked at my phone as I was driving to my escape to the country, and there it was, a message from her, my beautiful crazy friend.  I couldn’t read it as I was driving at the time, I didn’t want mum to read it to me, as I knew I’d be a mess as I read it & I didn’t want the little RugRats to see mummy cry.  I waited till I locked myself in the toilets of the motorway services and with shaking hands, I clicked on it and it took me 5 times to read it as I just cried & cried……..I won’t share that message here, as that is between me and my beautiful friend……..but in that moment, the relief was overwhelming, she didn’t hate me, she was worried about me & we agreed we would talk when I got a chance………..needless to say when we got that moment to talk, I realised this girl was part of my rock solid crew and do you know what I also realised?  That conversation was one of the most honest conversations we’d been able to have in such a long time, which in turn made me realise, that this rocky road I was setting foot on, was going to be worth it in the end.  I realised that I had been trying to be this person I wasn’t for a long time & it even became hard for me to say when this started really, how scary is that??

When I was talking to my beautiful friend, she told me to make sure I went to my friends for advise & to remember that it was okay to admit I was struggling & to stop being so proud & lean on the friends I had.  You see she knows me well; I don’t like to make a fuss (believe it or not) & I don’t like to burden people, but I am beginning to take on that advise & that is what I realise each day when I am evaluating how the day has gone.  I remember her telling me that she couldn’t be that friend who knows all about the legal shit or how to sort my finances & protect myself & get all the nitty-gritty organised, she pointed me to our other friend for that (my little fighter, an angel sent in disguise with the best potty mouth ever), but she told me she knew she had other strengths that she didn’t need to remind me of, as that is why I love her, just the way she is.

I suppose what I am trying to get at is, I love all my friends, they all have their different qualities & strengths, and I love the different dimensions they bring to my life and the RugRats life; even the fair weather friends.  I accept that this won’t be easy for some of my friends and I accept that there will be some casualties along the way, but that doesn’t worry me, as I know that when I am near the end of the “D” journey, it won’t matter to me how many friends I have, as I know who the important ones are and that makes me smile, really smile.  Even in these early stages, I already see that some friendships may even become stronger now, then they ever had been. I accept you all, warts and all, because that’s what makes life fun right??! So for all my friends, the song that feels appropriate for my mood right now, is especially for you, I love you all for your different reasons, just as special as each other.

xXx TTFN xXx