Happiness is…

It’s Good Friday and we have been forecast snow for this weekend.

I have been woken by an excited RugRat expecting the Easter Bunny to have arrived but mummy bunny has been working until late most nights and forgot to put the eggs out before they go off to their dads tonight.

I have a long weekend without them and it seems like it will be a long one if we have snow. I love getting out with the fluffy beast and I am desperate to get back into my running. I need the boost and the headspace it gives me. I quite like running on my own, I actually have grown to like my own company and worry I am becoming a bit of a recluse!

I have hinted in the past that I’ve had some upset with family relationships on top of a divorce. I have spent a long time blaming myself and tearing myself apart wondering what I could have done differently. Point is, I have come to realise that whilst I have ownership of my response and behaviour, it’s a two way street. That’s taken some time and some pretty intense therapy to feel comfortable with that.

I have learnt a lot about myself more in the last few months than I had allowed myself in the last 4 years. It wasn’t until I actually looked back and realised I had been through a lot of upset & experiences that I had just buried & those experiences were raising their ugly heads all at once. I knew I had to face them head on. Now I feel calm and I feel I can actually trust my instinct and not question it as I have been doing for a while. Most importantly, I have learnt to stop pleasing everyone else, drown out the noise and do things for myself without the conflicting counsel from others.

I’m not saying we don’t need to talk with our closest, but everyone has differing opinions & essentially you have to deal with things in your own way, at you own pace and ensure that you really are doing things that you feel comfortable with, not what you think others want you to do, that is not the key to happiness…..actually it will only result in anxiety & constant questioning of yourself. A good support network lets you be you and is there to comfort you when the chips are down without the “told you so” speeches.

So I am going to spend this weekend catching up with friends, trying to dodge snow and get my house in order ready for juggling Easter holidays with work & RugRats. I will think of loved ones, miss the ones I can’t be with, but essentially, be grateful for the little things as actually, I may feel I’m winging it most days, but I’m no different to everyone else. I am just going to enjoy the experiences and hope those that have left my life for whatever reason, are happy & healthy too.

Happy Easter ❤️

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Hello October…..

img_2473-1So it’s been a while…..and October has descended within a blink of an eye!

I love October; for me it symbolises the start of the darker nights, autumn walks, cosy jumpers; but the most important of all, it is the month that I became a mummy. My first little RugRat was born and I know it all sounds so very cliched, I never knew a love like it until I held him in my arms. He was beautiful and came out with a head of dark hair and the moment I locked eyes on him my heart soared. The overwhelming desire to ensure that he knows he is loved and protected stays with me every day.

My boy always manages to surprise me with his ability to blow me away with his little nuggets of wisdom. At nearly 8, he seems to have this insane maturity  that sometimes also makes me choke up.

In my quiet moments, I wonder if the divorce has robbed him a little of his childhood and how it will affect his outlook on relationships. I hope that it does not have the negative affect that I fear. I am constantly being reassured by friends and family that kids are resilient little things, but that mum guilt always sneaks up on you.

There’s been a super amount of mum guilt going on of late…..when I last blogged I was full of optimism and in the middle of what I believed to be the greatest love story. When I read it now, I can’t help but squirm with embarrassment. Yes, you’ve guessed it…..it didn’t work out and I have been on another one of (to quote one of my solid crew) “life’s shifty learning curves”. What it did do though was distract me at a time that I needed to be distracted and for that I am grateful of.

So I find myself standing at the start of my favorite month looking on to what it will bring and wondering if it will bring new symbolism’s for the future.  It is also quite huge for me to look back at what has happened in the last year. In fact my first blog started in October. I was fired up with all the things I had planned, one of them to start writing again, but I didn’t quite finish it all off.

October makes me realise it has a history of new beginnings for me. New beginnings excite me but at the same time give me a feeling of the fear of the unknown. Will I fail?  Will I soar?  Will it bring luck?….well you make your own luck and I know one thing for sure…….I am staying a single mummy.

I need to do all the things I had promised myself we would do as The Three Musketeers.  If I can get through my little wish list and make myself go through some things that I’ve put off doing because of feeling awkward or unsure, then I will feel like I have achieved.  I know that there are two little people that look up to me and that motivates me every day.

So…….here goes……Come on October, let’s be having you.

xX TTFN Xx