Welcoming in 2018

Simple Best Quotes On Reality Of Life new year new me invictus maneo i remain undefeated

source:nevergiveuponyourself.wordpress.com

Hello and Happy New Year, although I appreciate that it is February, however, I have been hibernating!!  Hibernating and trying to stop stuffing myself in the post Christmas smog…

In my last blog I was in that mad Christmas anxious state and most of January was spent in the post Christmas anxious state, along with mourning my birthday, which was badly timed by my parents. Fellow January birthday people will gladly agree that having a birthday in January is pretty pants, especially if you are the annoying friend that gets giddy celebrating every birthday, but quietly sulks as we are all skint in January, so who wants to celebrate with you?!  I don’t feel like I can celebrate my own birthday as I am so skint from Christmas and generally I got paid early in the December and it totally messes with my accounting.  Fellow January birthday people get this and I mourn with you. That said, I did get away with my fellow January birthday man & we got to the heady hills of Edinburgh, where we sank our sorrows in wee drams and stuffed our faces with haggis….not bad for mourning a birthday hey?

So 2018 has descended and I am hoping with that brings more calm, more reflection and growing into the new shape of me.  I really do not like to make new year resolutions & even more so than ever, I believe that you should always assess where you are now and how you feel and look at what you have learnt and if you can do things better.  I am free to change my mind on opinions I once had or decisions I made, if I feel that is the right thing to do for the well being of me and the little RugRats.  If anything the last 30 months have taught me, nothing has to be fixed in stone and everything can remain fluid.  Sometimes we can be too fixated on a plan and then when it doesn’t go to plan, we can obsess on the finer details…but does it really matter? Isn’t it more of an adventure to have little diverts along the way?

With this in mind, I have opened myself up to new challenges…some of these are within work and whilst they will bring more stress, it will open me up to new adventures and more opportunities in the long run.  I have touched upon questioning whether I am in the right job before and for a long time this has troubled me.  I got asked why it troubled me so much and how about looking at it from a different view, that you may not have done your degree with the present career in mind, but what you have achieved is transferring the skills you gained into a different path.  This made me smile, as I had spent so long feeling guilty and people openly saying to me that I am only in the job because of it being a family business, that I felt for a long time that I almost felt like a fraud, but I am not and I know I am not and it has given me a new confidence that is growing each day.  Okay, so I don’t have the dream job, but it’s exciting to think that with it, comes the opportunities that would not necessarily come my way and give me the flexibility that I am so lucky to have now.

I have also enlisted myself into a new club that me and the RugRats can be part of as a family and by doing this we get to learn a new skill of sailing.  This is really exciting for RugRat 1 as he is obsessed with Swallows & Amazons and I get to gain my proper qualifications, instead of playing around with a few boats like I once did at Uni.  We get to be involved in all the social functions and it makes us meet new people and make new friendships as the newish family unit that we are.  I am really looking forward to this and we seem to have hit lucky with the club and everyone have been very welcoming.

We have a few breaks planned as a family and I also have a few girly trips booked or planned for the year.  It is really hard as a mum as you have the guilt of ensuring you get to have lovely holidays planned with your children, but then you also need that time to yourself too, especially as a single mum.  I think it is really important that all mums make the time on self care, whether it be 10 minutes locked away with a good book and a brew, or a cinema date with your girlfriends, or a sneaky date night.  It doesn’t always have to be city breaks and massages, do what you need to do, however little it is, to be you and not “Mummy”, “Wife”, “Sister”, “Aunty”, “Girlfriend”, just you.

I may have a lovely man by my side, but he is not my RugRats dad, they have a dad who is luckily still involved in their lives, and we don’t live together & I still very much have to own the decisions I make that affect my RugRats and it will always land on my shoulders.  This part is still overwhelming some days, but as time goes on, I am learning ways to process that and deal with it as things arise.

So ok, you may say that these sound like NY resolutions, but I prefer not to label, so I am going with the flow and I will carry on winging it with all the other parents, winging at life and doing what we can, as best as we can whilst trying to be kinder to myself and open to change.  That is a pretty huge statement hey?!

Till the next time…..TTFN xXx

 

 

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Hello October…..

img_2473-1So it’s been a while…..and October has descended within a blink of an eye!

I love October; for me it symbolises the start of the darker nights, autumn walks, cosy jumpers; but the most important of all, it is the month that I became a mummy. My first little RugRat was born and I know it all sounds so very cliched, I never knew a love like it until I held him in my arms. He was beautiful and came out with a head of dark hair and the moment I locked eyes on him my heart soared. The overwhelming desire to ensure that he knows he is loved and protected stays with me every day.

My boy always manages to surprise me with his ability to blow me away with his little nuggets of wisdom. At nearly 8, he seems to have this insane maturity  that sometimes also makes me choke up.

In my quiet moments, I wonder if the divorce has robbed him a little of his childhood and how it will affect his outlook on relationships. I hope that it does not have the negative affect that I fear. I am constantly being reassured by friends and family that kids are resilient little things, but that mum guilt always sneaks up on you.

There’s been a super amount of mum guilt going on of late…..when I last blogged I was full of optimism and in the middle of what I believed to be the greatest love story. When I read it now, I can’t help but squirm with embarrassment. Yes, you’ve guessed it…..it didn’t work out and I have been on another one of (to quote one of my solid crew) “life’s shifty learning curves”. What it did do though was distract me at a time that I needed to be distracted and for that I am grateful of.

So I find myself standing at the start of my favorite month looking on to what it will bring and wondering if it will bring new symbolism’s for the future.  It is also quite huge for me to look back at what has happened in the last year. In fact my first blog started in October. I was fired up with all the things I had planned, one of them to start writing again, but I didn’t quite finish it all off.

October makes me realise it has a history of new beginnings for me. New beginnings excite me but at the same time give me a feeling of the fear of the unknown. Will I fail?  Will I soar?  Will it bring luck?….well you make your own luck and I know one thing for sure…….I am staying a single mummy.

I need to do all the things I had promised myself we would do as The Three Musketeers.  If I can get through my little wish list and make myself go through some things that I’ve put off doing because of feeling awkward or unsure, then I will feel like I have achieved.  I know that there are two little people that look up to me and that motivates me every day.

So…….here goes……Come on October, let’s be having you.

xX TTFN Xx