Happiness is…

It’s Good Friday and we have been forecast snow for this weekend.

I have been woken by an excited RugRat expecting the Easter Bunny to have arrived but mummy bunny has been working until late most nights and forgot to put the eggs out before they go off to their dads tonight.

I have a long weekend without them and it seems like it will be a long one if we have snow. I love getting out with the fluffy beast and I am desperate to get back into my running. I need the boost and the headspace it gives me. I quite like running on my own, I actually have grown to like my own company and worry I am becoming a bit of a recluse!

I have hinted in the past that I’ve had some upset with family relationships on top of a divorce. I have spent a long time blaming myself and tearing myself apart wondering what I could have done differently. Point is, I have come to realise that whilst I have ownership of my response and behaviour, it’s a two way street. That’s taken some time and some pretty intense therapy to feel comfortable with that.

I have learnt a lot about myself more in the last few months than I had allowed myself in the last 4 years. It wasn’t until I actually looked back and realised I had been through a lot of upset & experiences that I had just buried & those experiences were raising their ugly heads all at once. I knew I had to face them head on. Now I feel calm and I feel I can actually trust my instinct and not question it as I have been doing for a while. Most importantly, I have learnt to stop pleasing everyone else, drown out the noise and do things for myself without the conflicting counsel from others.

I’m not saying we don’t need to talk with our closest, but everyone has differing opinions & essentially you have to deal with things in your own way, at you own pace and ensure that you really are doing things that you feel comfortable with, not what you think others want you to do, that is not the key to happiness…..actually it will only result in anxiety & constant questioning of yourself. A good support network lets you be you and is there to comfort you when the chips are down without the “told you so” speeches.

So I am going to spend this weekend catching up with friends, trying to dodge snow and get my house in order ready for juggling Easter holidays with work & RugRats. I will think of loved ones, miss the ones I can’t be with, but essentially, be grateful for the little things as actually, I may feel I’m winging it most days, but I’m no different to everyone else. I am just going to enjoy the experiences and hope those that have left my life for whatever reason, are happy & healthy too.

Happy Easter ❤️

Advertisements

Welcoming in 2018

Simple Best Quotes On Reality Of Life new year new me invictus maneo i remain undefeated

source:nevergiveuponyourself.wordpress.com

Hello and Happy New Year, although I appreciate that it is February, however, I have been hibernating!!  Hibernating and trying to stop stuffing myself in the post Christmas smog…

In my last blog I was in that mad Christmas anxious state and most of January was spent in the post Christmas anxious state, along with mourning my birthday, which was badly timed by my parents. Fellow January birthday people will gladly agree that having a birthday in January is pretty pants, especially if you are the annoying friend that gets giddy celebrating every birthday, but quietly sulks as we are all skint in January, so who wants to celebrate with you?!  I don’t feel like I can celebrate my own birthday as I am so skint from Christmas and generally I got paid early in the December and it totally messes with my accounting.  Fellow January birthday people get this and I mourn with you. That said, I did get away with my fellow January birthday man & we got to the heady hills of Edinburgh, where we sank our sorrows in wee drams and stuffed our faces with haggis….not bad for mourning a birthday hey?

So 2018 has descended and I am hoping with that brings more calm, more reflection and growing into the new shape of me.  I really do not like to make new year resolutions & even more so than ever, I believe that you should always assess where you are now and how you feel and look at what you have learnt and if you can do things better.  I am free to change my mind on opinions I once had or decisions I made, if I feel that is the right thing to do for the well being of me and the little RugRats.  If anything the last 30 months have taught me, nothing has to be fixed in stone and everything can remain fluid.  Sometimes we can be too fixated on a plan and then when it doesn’t go to plan, we can obsess on the finer details…but does it really matter? Isn’t it more of an adventure to have little diverts along the way?

With this in mind, I have opened myself up to new challenges…some of these are within work and whilst they will bring more stress, it will open me up to new adventures and more opportunities in the long run.  I have touched upon questioning whether I am in the right job before and for a long time this has troubled me.  I got asked why it troubled me so much and how about looking at it from a different view, that you may not have done your degree with the present career in mind, but what you have achieved is transferring the skills you gained into a different path.  This made me smile, as I had spent so long feeling guilty and people openly saying to me that I am only in the job because of it being a family business, that I felt for a long time that I almost felt like a fraud, but I am not and I know I am not and it has given me a new confidence that is growing each day.  Okay, so I don’t have the dream job, but it’s exciting to think that with it, comes the opportunities that would not necessarily come my way and give me the flexibility that I am so lucky to have now.

I have also enlisted myself into a new club that me and the RugRats can be part of as a family and by doing this we get to learn a new skill of sailing.  This is really exciting for RugRat 1 as he is obsessed with Swallows & Amazons and I get to gain my proper qualifications, instead of playing around with a few boats like I once did at Uni.  We get to be involved in all the social functions and it makes us meet new people and make new friendships as the newish family unit that we are.  I am really looking forward to this and we seem to have hit lucky with the club and everyone have been very welcoming.

We have a few breaks planned as a family and I also have a few girly trips booked or planned for the year.  It is really hard as a mum as you have the guilt of ensuring you get to have lovely holidays planned with your children, but then you also need that time to yourself too, especially as a single mum.  I think it is really important that all mums make the time on self care, whether it be 10 minutes locked away with a good book and a brew, or a cinema date with your girlfriends, or a sneaky date night.  It doesn’t always have to be city breaks and massages, do what you need to do, however little it is, to be you and not “Mummy”, “Wife”, “Sister”, “Aunty”, “Girlfriend”, just you.

I may have a lovely man by my side, but he is not my RugRats dad, they have a dad who is luckily still involved in their lives, and we don’t live together & I still very much have to own the decisions I make that affect my RugRats and it will always land on my shoulders.  This part is still overwhelming some days, but as time goes on, I am learning ways to process that and deal with it as things arise.

So ok, you may say that these sound like NY resolutions, but I prefer not to label, so I am going with the flow and I will carry on winging it with all the other parents, winging at life and doing what we can, as best as we can whilst trying to be kinder to myself and open to change.  That is a pretty huge statement hey?!

Till the next time…..TTFN xXx